YOu are also to be applauded for wanting to expose your A-A children to A-A culture. Unfortunately, too many black people do not want to help you because they’re upset that you adopted a black child. Please do not let this discourage you, and please know that some black people, like me, want to help and support you.

If you have questions about A-A culture, or churches, or anything, please ask! In the meantime, good luck!

You know, when you are adopting an older child, it seems to me that you need to think not only about race and culture, but the whole “immigrant experience.” I would suspect that the first time your kids walk into a grocery store, they will be so overwhelmed by the strange sights and sounds and boxes with pictures of food and words that they don’t know how to read that they won’t even notice people staring at them.

I think it is a great idea to find African American role models for your kids, (for all of your kids!) but I think it also might be helpful to put your newest family members in contact with communities where there are recent immigrants who are going through much of the same process they are going through. I suspect a kid whose parents just moved to your town from Mexico or Pakistan or Nepal is going through much of the same culture shock that your kids are going to experience, along with the nostaglia for the familiar things that are gone.

Recent immigrants (adults) usually don’t have established local communities (other than perhaps the folks from their hometown who also just moved here) and would probably be DELIGHTED to establish new friendships. Obviously, African immigrants would share the most in common, but anyone who has kids your kids age would be great. I’d contact a local ESOL teacher, and ask for suggestions.

Every time we go home to that same small town, we get asked when we will move back. And I have realized that my answer depends on the race of the childen I end up having. If we have biological, white children, I would be just fine moving back there. But if we adopted African or African-American children, I would be much more likely to stay in my majority-black city and neighborhood, so that my child(ren) would be surrounded by people that look like them and have a shared cultural history.

Of course, you can’t just uproot your family and move to an area with a more diverse population, so I think you are 100% correct in seeking out African or African-American role models for your children. And while it may be a touch awkward at first, one of the main things I have learned from living in such a diverse place is that conversations on race are necessary and often not as painful as we might expect. I think that sometimes when we don’t know what to do or say about race, we try to ignore it. But you and every one around you can see with plain eyes that you are white parents raising black children and I think most people “get” that there are unique issues that might arise as a result. And I don’t know how to say this without it possibly being misconstrued, so here goes: I think black folks probably “get” those issues even more because as white folks, we probably haven’t thought about our race or racism nearly as much as black folks have, simply because we have always been the racial majority and have generally not been discriminated against based on race. I personally never thought about my “whiteness” until I lived in a place where I was the minority.

I know that you are very involved in your church and faith matters, so I wonder if there are any majority African-American churches in your area whose doctrine you agree with. If so, that would probably be a great place to start. Your kids might be familiar with some of the songs or teachings, allowing it to be a familiar and comfortable place to meet new people. Church folks are notoriously friendly and having seen pictures of your little girls and your big girls on the way- trust me, everyone will go crazy over you!

And if along the way, someone questions you about what you are doing or why you are doing it, I would respond with complete honesty. Let it be an opportunity to open up a dialogue about race because I think that just starting that dialogue is one of the best things you can do for your kids.

Sorry that this is so incredibly long- I guess I feel strongly:)Keep up the great work Mary!