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In the past few months I’ve come across some insightful posts, including this one by Mayhem and Magic written by adoptive parents of Black children, wrestling with the thorny issue of whether or not white parents really can do a good job raising Black children. Since we are for the first time in the process of adopting older children, this is something I’ve been thinking a lot about.
When you adopt an infant or toddler, they just think of you as mom. They’re used to looking at that white face every day. Sure, there will come a time (probably sooner than you imagine) when that child will look at you and look at himself and ask why you don’t match. But there is a level of familiarity and comfort that comes from the child being with you since he or she was tiny.
I wonder how it will feel to our older-adopted children the first time they walk into a grocery store with me and see people looking at our family, trying to figure out the relationships. Will they hate it? Will they get used to it quickly? I am guessing that they will soon long to see more African faces in their lives. Little sisters only go so far. What about the Black adults that should be in their lives?
I’ve come to realize that I need to get a lot more serious about finding some good African-American role models for our family. That’s a scary thought to me. I worry that I might be seen as racist, for searching out new friendships on the basis of skin color. But I think this is something our girls are going to need in our predominantly Caucasian community.
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I have followed both of your blogs, my husband and I have seriously considered adopting an African child and I’m a white person who lives in a majority-black neighborhood in a majority-black city, so I was very interested in this post. My husband grew up in a small mid-western town where both of the black people he knew were adopted by white doctors. They had wonderful, loving upbringings and are both very happy and successful adults, but I also know that neither of them feels very in touch with their racial heritage.
Every time we go home to that same small town, we get asked when we will move back. And I have realized that my answer depends on the race of the childen I end up having. If we have biological, white children, I would be just fine moving back there. But if we adopted African or African-American children, I would be much more likely to stay in my majority-black city and neighborhood, so that my child(ren) would be surrounded by people that look like them and have a shared cultural history.
Of course, you can’t just uproot your family and move to an area with a more diverse population, so I think you are 100% correct in seeking out African or African-American role models for your children. And while it may be a touch awkward at first, one of the main things I have learned from living in such a diverse place is that conversations on race are necessary and often not as painful as we might expect. I think that sometimes when we don’t know what to do or say about race, we try to ignore it. But you and every one around you can see with plain eyes that you are white parents raising black children and I think most people “get” that there are unique issues that might arise as a result. And I don’t know how to say this without it possibly being misconstrued, so here goes: I think black folks probably “get” those issues even more because as white folks, we probably haven’t thought about our race or racism nearly as much as black folks have, simply because we have always been the racial majority and have generally not been discriminated against based on race. I personally never thought about my “whiteness” until I lived in a place where I was the minority.
I know that you are very involved in your church and faith matters, so I wonder if there are any majority African-American churches in your area whose doctrine you agree with. If so, that would probably be a great place to start. Your kids might be familiar with some of the songs or teachings, allowing it to be a familiar and comfortable place to meet new people. Church folks are notoriously friendly and having seen pictures of your little girls and your big girls on the way- trust me, everyone will go crazy over you!
And if along the way, someone questions you about what you are doing or why you are doing it, I would respond with complete honesty. Let it be an opportunity to open up a dialogue about race because I think that just starting that dialogue is one of the best things you can do for your kids.
Sorry that this is so incredibly long- I guess I feel strongly:)Keep up the great work Mary!
I love your blogs! Love your family!
You know, when you are adopting an older child, it seems to me that you need to think not only about race and culture, but the whole “immigrant experience.” I would suspect that the first time your kids walk into a grocery store, they will be so overwhelmed by the strange sights and sounds and boxes with pictures of food and words that they don’t know how to read that they won’t even notice people staring at them.
I think it is a great idea to find African American role models for your kids, (for all of your kids!) but I think it also might be helpful to put your newest family members in contact with communities where there are recent immigrants who are going through much of the same process they are going through. I suspect a kid whose parents just moved to your town from Mexico or Pakistan or Nepal is going through much of the same culture shock that your kids are going to experience, along with the nostaglia for the familiar things that are gone.
Recent immigrants (adults) usually don’t have established local communities (other than perhaps the folks from their hometown who also just moved here) and would probably be DELIGHTED to establish new friendships. Obviously, African immigrants would share the most in common, but anyone who has kids your kids age would be great. I’d contact a local ESOL teacher, and ask for suggestions.
Hello everyone,
I find your blogs about trans-racial adoptions fascinating, and I hope I can offer some insights. I am an African-American single mom who adopted a girl who’s now 7, and I am now seeking to adopt an Ethiopian boy. Let me say that I applaud all of you for your sensitivity and courage in adopting an African-American (”A-A”) child. I, for one, think it’s great. I am very tired of hearing people like the National Association of Black Social Workers condemn transracial adoptions while innocent kids are languishing in orphanages and foster care. I would prefer – any day of the week – for a child to have parents of any color, rather than no parents.
YOu are also to be applauded for wanting to expose your A-A children to A-A culture. Unfortunately, too many black people do not want to help you because they’re upset that you adopted a black child. Please do not let this discourage you, and please know that some black people, like me, want to help and support you.
If you have questions about A-A culture, or churches, or anything, please ask! In the meantime, good luck!
I’ve really enjoyed reading everyone’s thoughts on this issue–my husband and I are both white, with a biological son. In the next 5 years, we want to adopt two girls from Ethiopia. However, we live in a smaller city that’s predominantly white, and have no friends that are African American. There are a couple of African American churches in town, but we’re not religious at all. We don’t want to move (lots of family in town), but we also want to provide our soon-to-be transracial family with a diverse community. Like others have mentioned here, we feel incredibly awkward about trying to purposely make friends with African Americans (reverse racism, anyone?). Any suggestions?
This is so helpful. We are a white couple considering adopting a child from Ethiopia. We are really concerned about issues surrounding white families raising a black child–chiefly that the child will feel out of place in both cultures, or would not be accepted in the African American community. Ari’s Mom– your comments really struck me. I am concerned that any attempts we’d make to encourage our child to participate in AA culture would result in reactions similar to what you mention from the National Association of Black Social Workers. Clearly we all have the best of intentions, but would we be putting this child in an unfair situation? What happens when normal teen angst and alienation sets in and the element of racial and cultural belonging becomes highlighted? Social and economic tension around race in the US is so loaded– would this always be an awkward and unpleasant for everyone? Even asking these questions is hard– no one wants to say the wrong thing. Would it be denying my child racial identification to discourage participation in rap culture that glorifies violence, exploitation of women and self destructive behavior? Does anyone have older children who are experiencing any of these issues?