Awhile back I saw a family at the library who had just brought home a one year old daughter from China. The baby was firmly ensconced in the father's arms, and the mother had a weary look about her. As we waited in line, we struck up a conversation. The baby had been home a couple weeks, and the mother said she wouldn't go to mom -- that she preferred dad and screamed if mom did any part of the child's care.

I could tell by the way the mom spoke that she was wounded by this rejection, but was trying to be understanding of the child's needs.So far they had been accommodating the child's preferences. The dad had even take some extra days off work to be home longer.

Many families face this exact scenario to some degree after a child gets home. Many babies who have bonded at least somewhat with a previous female caregiver subconsciously fear falling in love with this new mom, and so they reject her. Although it is important in a situation like this to understand why a child might be feeling fearful of a new relationship, it is also important to gently work to break down these barriers so that the child can fall in love with her new mother.

I encouraged this mom to begin taking over some of the child's care. She was worried that when dad went back to work, the child would cry and be miserable. This may be temporarily true. Giving in to baby's preferences and allowing dad to do all the caregiving delays the child's attachment to mom. If the mother persists in gently consistently taking over the role of caregiving, the child will gradually get used to her care, and most likely will begin to be less resistant to mom and eventually fall in love.

Even if your child protests, let mom jump in and be mom. It may help for dad to hand the baby off to mom and stay close by in a reassuring way. Other times the best approach may be to just hand the baby off lovingly and leave. Just a note: sometimes this scenario is reversed, with a baby being extremely fearful of being cared for by dad. Again, some one-on-one time with dad on a regular basis will most likely help the child get comfortable.

Many children take several months to settle in and get comfortable with both parents. It will take patience on the part of the parent who is being rejected. Don't take the rejection personally, and do some reading on attachment issues to get a better understanding of the fear that the child is exhibiting through this behavior. But most babies do eventually come around and begin to look at both mom and dad as a source of what is good.

Recomended Reading

Attaching in Adoption
Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections
Other Attachment Resources