Ethiopia Adoption Blog, Ethiopia Adoption Blog - 'True Orphans' and living parents

10/16/07

'True Orphans' and living parents

Posted by : Mary Owlhaven in Ethiopia Adoption Blog at 10:04 pm , 483 words, 680 views
Categories: Tough Choices

A mom wrote me recently telling me that she and her husband are in the early stages of the adoption process. She learned recently that a fair number of the children being adopted out of Ethiopia still have living birth parents. She asked me why the children are being relinquished, if one or both parents are still living. And she asked me if I thought that the increase in adoptions from Ethiopia is encouraging poor, but fit parents to relinquish their children.

These are some really big questions, and I certainly don't claim to have all the answers. I know that there are many, many true orphans who desperately need families. But I also think that there are many situations where birth parents cannot legitimately parent a child. HIV+ status comes to mind. No, the parents may not be dead yet. But it certainly makes sense to make plans for a child before you are at death's door.

Of course there is the issue of antiretrovirals-- boy, that is a tricky one. If I had been able to buy ARV's for my kids' first parents so that they could have lived, I would have done it in a heartbeat. However, many birth parents just don't have the $1 a day to buy drugs to save their own lives. It is very, very sad. But it is a fact.

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Cultural issues also come into play. I have heard that if a couple divorces, a woman's next husband will often refuse to support the child or will be cruel to the child, since he sees it as not 'his'. Often a woman will choose to relinquish children from a first marriage to give them a chance at a good life elsewhere.

I would hope that the increase in adoption is not encouraging capable parents to relinquish children that they really could parent. I wish there was support to help parents who might just need an extra $30 a month to get drugs and keep their children. But at this point that type of assistance ins not widespread. So I think that the best I as an adoptive parent can do is to give my children's first parents the credit for wanting the best for their kids.

Of course I would offer them assistance if I could, even if it meant that I would end up adopting some other child -- a true orphan, perhaps. But in my case at least, with each of my children the relinquishment decision had already been made before I came into the picture. And so I have opted to give my children's first parents credit for making the best decision that they possibly could in tough circumstances. And I pray every day that they can feel a peace in knowing that their children are well loved and have many advantages in life.

I welcome the thoughts of others regarding this complicated issue.

15 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Julie [Member] · http://web.mac.com/juliebot

Why do people question the rights/ethics for an Ethiopian woman to make an adoption plan for her child when they don't question the rights for an American woman to make an adoption plan for her child?

Years ago, adoption was not well known among Ethiopians. As word gets out about adoption, and how the children are finding loving homes, I believe more parents are finding adoption to be an option.

The children who are placed for adoption are already in their care centers/orphanages by the time they are matched. Sending money won't put them back with their families. I think we should respect the decision of the Ethiopian parents if they are living and choose to make an adoption plan for their child. It's their decision to make, not ours.

Many adoptive families turn to international adoption so they don't have to deal with the idea of birthparents. I wonder if that is part of the issue when people claim to have ethical problems with living birthparents.

Thank you Mary for your thoughtful post and for bringing up this subject.

Permalink 10/16/07 @ 23:36

Comment from: Sandra Hanks Benoiton [Member]

· http://international.adoptionblogs.com/

I agree completely with Julie, and will add that I find it a disturbing thought that children relinquished by a living parent should be somehow less worthy of adoption.

To paraphrase Kari Grady Grossman, author of "Bones that Float" says about Cambodian parents, they may be poor, but they're not stupid.

Adoption decisions are made because they must be, not because there are families in America hoping to adopt.

How wonderful the world would be if there was no need for adoptive families, but that won't happen until world peace breaks out and there's an end to poverty.

Permalink 10/17/07 @ 04:02

Comment from: RachelMac [Member]

I adopted a baby from Ethiopia in April. We didn't find out until the court date (3 weeks before travel) that his birth mother was alive. That was a huge shock, but I knew immediately that I wanted to meet her. I did get to meet her while in Ethiopia, and I am so thankful to have photos of that meeting to show my little guy as he grows. I am glad to know the history about his relinquishment, and glad to know that I will have some answers about his birth mom when he is old enough to ask.
I know there are many, many adoptive families who have no idea why the children were relinquished (i.e. whether the birth parents are living or sick or too poor to raise the child). I feel blessed to know the history of my baby, and have the assurance that his birth mother loved him dearly and would have raised him if she could have.

Permalink 10/17/07 @ 08:24

Comment from: Kdodson [Member]

I get what you guys are saying, but this is something I struggle with. My husband and I are currently adopting, and while we wait, we have time to think about these things. I don’t think we can always compare it to American adoption. You say it’s the parents choice, but is it? If the parents are sick and dieing, I do think it is responsible for them to make plans for their child, I don’t have a problem with that. What I have a problem with is the parents who only gave their child up because they didn't have the money to look after them. Not because they are dieing, not because they aren't responsible, not because they don’t want them. In our country we don’t have to give our children up if we don’t have money – we get aid. I think at some level it would really bother me to know that my child’s mother is aching somewhere missing them terribly, but because I was born into a better situation, and have money, I’m the one that gets their child? I know the children are often already in the orphanages way before we adopt them, but if that was the reason that child was there, It’s really really sad and hard. I give these mothers so much credit for the amount of selflessness they show. Doesn’t the thought of this bother you guys?

Permalink 10/17/07 @ 10:48

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

Our family has spent a lot of time thinking about this issue as well. We are leaning strongly towards making certain the next child we bring home is a true orphan. We empathize greatly with families who must make an adoption plan for their children, yet are still alive. Our hearts are touched deeply by the children who have been placed for adoption by a living parent. We would definitely lend support to a family if they needed it. But to parent their child? too much tug of war.

This represents a huge shift in perspective for us. For our first adoption, we were completely fine with the concept of open adoption. After reading more about it, we now know it would not be a good fit for our family.

Permalink 10/17/07 @ 11:06

Comment from: grimes_family [Member]

I am so glad this was brought up. When I first heard that we could potentially adopt a child with living birth parents, it did surprise me. Thanks for the different perspectives.

Permalink 10/17/07 @ 15:59

Comment from: buffra [Member]

I'm distressed by the idea, but not to the point where I wouldn't adopt a child with (a) living parent(s). This may be partly due to the fact that my extended family has had good experiences with open domestic adoption. Rather, I would simply be heartsick for the parents and try to do my best to reassure them and to reassure the child(ren) that there was tremendous love.

I'm a bit more disturbed by my cousin's adoption from Guatemala. (I know there are numerous questions/problems at this point with that country's program.) She adopted a baby boy and, after that was finalized, was told that the mother had given birth to a baby girl. Did my cousin want to adopt her child's sister too? She and her husband did. They also have been in contact with their children's *older* sister who was adopted by another family in their state. The idea of that -- a mother for whom the best option is giving up her child(ren) for adoption continuing to HAVE many additional children is inconceivable and upsetting to me. Does she not have any support for trying to NOT get pregnant? Do the US adoption agencies encourage it somehow? There are so many questions and not enough answers.

I've not heard of that kind of thing with the Ethiopian programs, though, which is one of the reasons it is appealing. Parents may give their children up for adoption, but I don't have the sense that they are continuing to do so, over and over again.

(That sounds harsh and unfair, but I'm not judging the mother/parents or even the agencies; I'm just distressed by the world and systems that would make child-bearing and parenting into something akin to the business of puppy mills.)

Permalink 10/17/07 @ 20:12

Comment from: Kdona11 [Member]

I just came back from spending six months in Ethipia volunteering at an orphanage. MANY of the children in the orphanage still had at least one living parent. It is a difficult situation when considering whether to place these children with other families or whether they should stay with their mother. I believe if the resources were available it is ideal for them to be with their birth parent, but often times that isn't the reality.

While I was at the orphanage a teenage mother came and asked if the orphanage would be willing to take her baby girl whom she could not raise herself. She had no job, no educational background and no skills. The orphanage also could not financially take on another child so I took the child myself.

For five wonderful months I was able to care for the most beautiful, amazing baby in the entire world. Soon I will begin the process to permanently make her my little girl. I asked her mother if she had the choice of keeping the child and me assisting her financially or me taking the child which would she choose and she asked me to take her child THAT day. Was she heartless? NO. She simply could not care for her baby. She was doing what she felt was in her child's and her own interest.

It is not a black and white scenario over there. There are so many obstacles to face every day for these people. Everything seems like an uphill battle, and I think these parents are thinking if they can give their children opportunities they could never dream of having then they are doing a good thing.

Permalink 10/17/07 @ 22:04

Comment from: Mary Owlhaven [Member]

· http://ethiopia.adoptionblogs.com/

Kdona11--thanks for weighing in with your amazing experience.

Thanks to everyone else too!

Mary

Permalink 10/18/07 @ 00:28

Comment from: UgandaGrace [Member]

Many/most of the babies and toddlers in orphanages here in Uganda are here because they've been abandoned - it's hard to say if their bio parents are alive or not. The (presumably) mothers of the "lucky" babies leave them in safe areas where they will be found - in taxi's, churches, bars, private compounds, etc. Other babies (even up to 10 to 12 months old)are often abandoned in garbage pits, pit latrines, banana fields, etc. Some children are brought to the babies and children's homes because their parents have died but this is less common than abandoned babies and children being brought. At the end of the day all of the children, if they were abandoned or their parents have died, are without parents. I don't see much of a distinction. Many of these infants are brought in testing HIV positive so there is little doubt that thier parents have/had HIV as well. It's also the law that a public announcement be made announcing the possible fostering or adoption of a child, so parents or other relatives can come and claim them. The system here really values linking children with relatives but that usually doesn't happen most of the time, especially in the capital city with younger children and babies. I know it's not like this in every country though. Poverty leaves people with little, limited or no choices.

Permalink 10/18/07 @ 07:57

Comment from: Chromesthesia [Member]

buffra, I'm not sure if it's that simple.
You're talking about a Catholic country where birth control is banned or limited, where folks are so poor if they had to choose between bread and birth control they'd go with bread, where some men think it's manly to have as many children as possible, where folks just don't have the resources NOT to have children. I doubt it's a situation like puppy mills. Here we could go to a local planned Parenthood and no one would have to know about it, or there are drug stores with condoms and the like to consider on almost every corner.
I don't think people in a lot of 3rd world countries have those options, and a lot of women don't even have the option of refusing sex. It just seems to be entirely different and depressing and it really isn't a simple issue. Even throwing money at the problem would be like using a squirt gun on a forest fire.

Permalink 10/18/07 @ 08:38

Comment from: buffra [Member]

Oh, I know it isn't simple. And I realize the problems with resources and things. It just seems....I don't know. I just wish that there were something ELSE that could be done, as well. Besides providing homes for the children -- something to help the women and their families and the economy and....all that sort of thing.

I don't think it's simple. It certainly isn't the same as a puppy mill, it just gives me that same sick sort of feeling.

Permalink 10/18/07 @ 10:14

Comment from: Lisa [Member]

· http://guatemala.adoptionblogs.com

Bufra,
Actually in Guatemala there are now many programs started by parents who have adopted from there; such as Friends Through Guatemalan Adoptions and Mayan Families. Many efforts are being made to help the mothers so they won't be in a situation where they have to give their children up for adoption. These organizations do not have an "angle" and there are no strings attached to the money; they don't have to join a church etc.
There are some adoptive parents who are helping the birth parents of their child financially and send their other children to school.

Many of the indigenous population do not trust "fair skinned" people; justified considering the ongoing racism and the genocide they suffered during the Civil War.

Don't judge the mother of your sister's Guatemalan born children. I can promise you that her story is tragic. I respect and admire your sister for adopting the sibling; I would do the same in her place and many others have and would do it as well.

Lisa S.
http://guatemala.adoptionblogs.com/

Permalink 10/18/07 @ 22:07

Comment from: buffra [Member]

Wow. I wish I hadn’t said anything at all, because I clearly didn’t say it the way I wanted to.

I'm not judging anyone -- not the birth parents nor the adoptive ones.

I was actually, honestly, just trying to bring to light a situation that made me really uncomfortable. Not because of the individuals involved, but because of the horrific inequities such a situation highlights.

I've also worked with an organization (started by another adoptive mother and her church) to provide basic necessities for some of the poorest Guatemalan families. These groups do good things, but it is still just a drop in the bucket to counter the poverty and lack of options of some of these families/women.

Obviously, whatever I wrote came out not in the way I intended it.

Permalink 10/19/07 @ 18:04

Comment from: muna [Member]

Hi, I am an Ethiopian woman living in the US. I just wanted to add some insights as an Ethiopian about the issue of adopting kids with live parents from Ethiopia. You are probably not aware of this but there is a very strong tradition of Ethiopian parents "giving up" their child to be brought up by others. Infact you will find a lot of ethiopians who will talk about their "birth mother" as well as their "real mother"-the one who raised them. There is no shame in all this at all as it is accepted that some women cannot provide for their children due to many reasons but mostly because of poverty. I think this tradition of giving one's child for adoption is a coping measure against poverty.

Also, there really are rarely any "true orphans" in Ethiopia because even if both parents die, the child will still have an extended family to care of him/her.

There is no reason to feel guily for adopting a child that has a parent because that parent would have still given up her child to a local Ethiopian mother anyway. The only difference I see in international adoptions compared to the traditional ethiopian adoptions is that the birth parents/family loose contact with their child completely. I would say that this point is the only negative aspect of international adoptions because it seems westerns tend to have an atitude that the children they adopt sever all ties with their past. Maybe this is because in western countries mothers who give up their kids for adoption do not want to see them again. This attitude is extremely unusual in Ethiopia, and familes who give up a child for adoption assume that they can still maintain some ties with their child.

Permalink 11/02/07 @ 11:16

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