(Reminder: Don't forget the Rosetta Stone petition, if you haven't weighed in already. Thanks!!)


One of the things that adoptive families run up against as soon as they get their referral is the question of how much of the child's history to disclose to friends and extended family. It can seem really natural to share all the details that you have with interested loved ones, especially if your child is very young on homecoming. However it is wise to think carefully about how much you will disclose.

Your child should know first

With little children it will be years before they will have a true understanding of their past, years probably before you will want to discuss details of abandonment, parents' HIV status, and/or death. How will your child feel if grandma casually mentions part of your child's history in his presence that you'd planned to wait to discuss?

For example, maybe your child was found in the road. Maybe his parents were HIV positive. Maybe his mother was a prostitute. I know an adoptee who felt tremendous pain on discovering that she had been very poorly cared for by her birth mother: she had terrible rash in her diaper area and was badly malnourished.

I firmly believe that a child should eventually know all there is to know about his/her history, even the painful stuff. It is their right. But details need to be shared lovingly and gradually as a child gains maturity.

Your child deserves privacy if he wants it

The other issue is your child's right to privacy. Is he going to want his cousin or your best friend's children to know all the details in his past if those adults choose to casually talk about them in front of their children? Will your 14 year old really want loud Aunt Sally saying at a family gathering, "Oh, she was left in the road by her real mom."

Make ya cringe? It does me....

Once you've let the story out, it will probably be told, in hushed tones or not, all over your circle of friends and family. The issue is not whether you're ashamed of the child's past. The issue is your child's right to privacy. Withholding the information allows your child to disclose it - or not - later, depending on his or her feelings and desire for privacy.

How can you deal with questions?

So just what do you say to family and friends who ask? After thinking about this for awhile, here's how John and I have decided to handle it. We tell people that we don't know much about our children's pasts, which is the truth with all four of our children. The we go on to talk about the issues that commonly cause children from Ethiopia or Korea to need adoptive families.

In Korea it is often single moms, or families who feel unable to cope with a child who has special needs. When talking about Ethiopia we mention common problems like HIV, malaria, extreme poverty, and the stigma against a new husband supporting a woman's child from a previous marriage.

You could also mention that the child's history is his own, and that you do not feel comfortable sharing it. But I have rarely taken that approach, and find that just mentioning possible explanations is enough for most people.

I would be interested in hearing how other families have dealt with this issue, if any of you care to share.