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In her wonderful book Attaching in Adoption, Deborah Gray gave many great suggestions for helping kids attach well during their first year at home. Here are some of the points she mentions in her book.
Spend lots of time every day nurturing your child
The most important thing you are doing in your child’s first year home is building trust. Stay with your child as much as possible. Be sensitive in meeting his needs. Respond quickly when he cries. Bottle-feed, rock to sleep, and make lots of eye contact. Feed him treats. Show your child he can depend on you. Once your child learns to trust, he can feel more secure as he ventures out to try new things.
Play with your child
Aim to sit on the floor playing with your child for at least 30 minutes a day. Younger children will enjoy simple games like block-building and peekaboo. Board games are great bonding agents for older kids. Kids who’ve lived in an orphanage for a while may have missed out on the chance to play, so help them catch up. Show your child that your family takes time for fun.
Talk to your child
Speak with lots of feeling, using simple words, even if your child is not an infant. Explain things, even if you think he understands what you are doing. Use lots of gestures to make your meaning clear. This richly expressive speech will help your child learn language more quickly, as well as learning more about what you are thinking and feeling.
Gently use your body to stop problem behavior.
Physically moving a child to a different location is usually much more effective than commanding him from across the room. Be gentle but firm. Never tolerate hitting, kicking, or hurting. If your child is reaching for a forbidden item, move the child or the item. Back up your action with simple, calm words. Teach boundaries of respect from the beginning.
Obviously this takes lots of time and your physical presence. Remind yourself that parenting is your MAIN job this year, and don’t expect to get much else done.
Take care of yourself
Get enough sleep, good food, and exercise. Your own emotional stability will help to steady your child’s moods. If you find your mood slipping, even though you are taking good care of yourself, don’t hesitate to seek counseling or look into getting an antidepressant. Parenting is a tough job. Depression makes it even tougher, so get the help you need so that you will be strong enough to help your child.
Watch for signs of attachment
–Prefers being with parent over anyone else
– Seeks out parent when hurt
–Calms with parental soothing
–Shows off to parent to get positive affection.
– Makes good eye contact with parents
– Is affectionate even when parent initiates affection
Traumatized children will often remain fearful and controlling for a long time. Signs of trauma include regular night terrors, scratching, biting, extreme moods, and destructiveness. if your child is showing these signs, you would be wise to get some counseling, both for yourself and for your child.
One final note: don’t expect your child to be ‘fixed’ within a year. Things should be getting easier by the time your child is home for a year, but some issues take years to work through.
Another great post Mary! It can not be stressed enough that we must meet our child’s every need (especially in the first days, weeks and months home), every time and as quickly as possible. Yes it can be tiring (5 bottles a night – yeah that is tiring) but it is so very worth it and so very important to our children’s emotional future.
Great post. These things may seem obvious, but when you bring your child/children home, one’s own issues can get in the mix and cause you to forget some very simple things. I love playing, but now that the boys are more self-sufficient, play-wise, I find I have to remind myself to get down and play rather than clean the toilet, for example! Don’t worry, I still clean the toilets!
Also, I will miss your blog! I do understand your needing to take at least one thing off your list, however. I will continue to check into Owlhaven to see how you and your beautiful large family is.