Ethiopia Adoption Blog, Ethiopia Adoption Blog

03/08/06

The Grocery Store Gauntlet

Posted by : Mary Owlhaven in Ethiopia Adoption Blog at 08:24 am , 511 words, 352 views
Categories: Adoptive Parenting

Joining Chris and Carmen for Large Family Wednesday again. This week's topic is comments from strangers. With a clan this big and this diverse, I definitely get a lot of 'em. Here are the ones that stick out in my mind most. Of course I get the run of the mill ones like:

Q: Are they all yours? A: Yep, I'm really blessed
Q: How can you afford it? A: Selling drugs (just kidding)
Q: You must be really patient. A: I wish.
Q: Better you than me. A: I agree. They're great kids.
Q: Wow, you have your hands full! A: Better full than empty.

The nice thing about having adopted kids is that we don't get the 'don't you know what causes that?' comment anymore. Most people guess we did indeed do this on purpose. But there are a couple of adoption-related questions that are real zingers.

Q: Where are they from? Seemingly innocuous, but when I answer, the person often continues: "Yeah, they don't like girls over there. They give them all away."

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Cross my heart, people SAY this! I don't tell specifics about my kids stories (that's their business). But usually I mention some of the circumstances that might cause a birthmom to relinquish her child. Like, she DIED or she COULDN'T FEED THEM, hello. That does NOT constitute NOT wanting a child! I know, there are lots of other reasons, but this SO does not constitute polite or casual grocery store conversation!

My kids know that their birthmoms did a great job getting them to a safe person who could find the right family for them-- I've explained that to them often. But I will NOT discuss the specifics of each child's adoption in public and I do NOT need some stranger in the grocery store casually assuming they know my kids' birthmom's motives!

Q: Are they brothers? A: Yes, they're both mine.
Q: No, I mean are they REALLY brothers? A: God knew before they were born that they were going to be brothers.
Q: But, did they have the same mother? A: Yes, me.

It is not that I don't want to talk about the fact that my children have different birthmoms. We talk openly in our home about birthmothers. But, again this is NOT casual grocery store conversation.

And the 'real brothers?' question, (whether people realize it or not) calls into question the legitimacy of a family formed by adoption. They ARE real brothers, we ARE real family, whether we share the same blood or not. After all, husbands and wives don't share the same blood and they are considered true family. Why not adopted kids?

I am generally a pleasant and polite person, but I have come to realize that it is more important for me to support my kids than it is to be perfectly polite to a curious stranger. So my comments have gradually changed over the years to be less forthcoming and a stronger support to my kids.

What zingers have you gotten as an adoptive parent?

18 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Heather Lowe [Member]

· http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/

People say the stupidest things, don't they?

But it isn't just adoptive parents who have to deal with this type of thing. We birthparents also get hit with similarly inane, and insensitive, remarks. And of course, adopted people do too.

This kind of experience has taught me to keep my mouth shut and ask fewer questions of strangers and acquaintances. You just don't know what the situation is behind what you're asking. It's much more polite to just stay quiet and not inquire. Wish more people understood this!

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 08:52

Comment from: Brianna [Visitor]

Well I was just in Linens N Things with all 3 kids and the cashier was saying congrats, etc. and then an elderly woman behind me in line said I was "brave", and I said "well they're really great, easygoing kids" and she said, "I'll bet you didn't say that when you first got them" (um HELLO?!) and I said, "actually we DID just get them!"

I was soooo mad! She was sitting there trying to argue me into admitting how hard it is, etc. People are so rude!

In the Dulles airport on the way home from Ethiopia some unfortunate people were making racist jokes in regards to the boys and a teenager told them very loudly to "shutup" as they were chattering happily...I am shocked and amazed at what people will do!!! (Needless to say my husband and I whipped around, looked the guy square in the eye and stared him down until he had to look away.)

Whew, how's that for an answer???? :)

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 09:58

Comment from: Cyndi [Member]

· http://kazakhstan.adoptionblogs.com/

I really liked your post, especially the comparison to husbands and wives not being blood related. I have thought about that as a way of explaining to my kids why blood doesnt create family, love does, and your use of it just confirms how true it is. Thanks!

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 10:12

Comment from: ben [Visitor] · http://sillyoldbear.blogspot.com

Hi,

I followed your link over from The Big Yellow House.

The most frequent comment we get comes from the "you've got your hands full" area. Which any parent of three young, active children will get (mine can never be called couch potatoes)

The worst comment came from before we adopted our first. We were fostering him and my wife's boss said "He'll never be successful, chances are he'll end up in jail."

She quit her job after that. And my son is a straight A student and gifted in too many areas to list.

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 11:12

Comment from: Renee [Visitor]

We get the "Are they Real Brothers?" all the time too.

Probably the comment that took be ABACK the most was by a cashier at Wal-Mart who wanted to know how much the Ethiopian Government paid us to take the boys...

Renee
Mama to 7 amazing children and awiting a precious babe from Ethiopia.

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 12:56

Comment from: Pink-Diamonds [Visitor] · http://pink-diamonds.blogspot.com/

I can't believe that people can be so rude! Ok, so really I can, but I wish I couldn't.

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 13:53

Comment from: Kim [Visitor] · http://livingafulllife.blogspot.com/

I've heard the strangest (and rudest) in regard to our family size. Astounding. I added my take on my blog.
God Bless your family!! What an incredible blessing.

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 15:22

Comment from: Ally [Visitor]

I'm a white mom with kids that are white, black, and asian. Stupidist (is that a word??) comment ever was, "Are you going to tell them they're adopted?" Huh????????? Gee, ya think they'll notice?

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 15:33

Comment from: Perri [Visitor] · http://lottakids1961.blogspot.com/

I like the "Are any of them brothers and sisters?"
I just say
"yes, that's what adoption is."

Or - "do any of them have the same father?" Well, duh, yes - my husband.

but once I was feeling particularly snippy, after being stared at rudely till the old woman finally comments on how many kids I have, I say, "yes, I have 6 kids by 5 different men. It's exhausting." And I walked away.

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 16:56

Comment from: Jeannelle [Visitor]

I am really impressed by your post. My husband and I are just getting started looking at agencies to adopt an African child. It is overwhelming! I hope to be a mom just like you someday.

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 17:03

Comment from: Beth [Visitor] · http://animperfectlife.blogspot.com

I admire you (and envy you a little, to be honest) for following your heart and adopting children, and doing such a great job with ALL your children. Appropriateness aside, I think maybe people who ask whether your two adopted boys are "real" brothers are just not sophisticated or smart enough to think of saying "biological" instead of "real." I would be curious about this sort of thing if I happened to chat with you at the store, not because I need to know about your family in particular, but because I've often thought that if/when I adopt kids (I really do want to give my son some siblings and I think adoption will be the best way to do that once I'm financially able to do this), I'd like to adopt a sibling set if at all possible. The way I see it, I think the "Are they 'real' brothers?" questions is a natural segue into discussing the availability and feasibility of adopting sibling sets, etc. That's probably not casual grocery store conversation, but I can easily imagine that such a question comes from a better place than you may realize. :)

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 19:18

Comment from: Jenny M [Visitor] · http://bombadee.blogspot.com/

I'm appaled at what some people feel free to say to each other. I have brown hair and brown eyes and my daughter (biological) has blond curls and blue eyes. I've been asked at the grocery what color eyes the mailman has. !?!

in the future, Owlhaven I'll be taking a cue from you, when I adopt. I will answer the question "which one's are yours?" with "all of them".

Permalink 03/08/06 @ 23:02

Comment from: moe [Visitor] · http://mother-hood.blogspot.com/

I have brown hair and brown eyes. My daughter (who I had when I was 19) People assumed I was the babysitter. Most times I just ignore people's comments. It is really annoying when you give an obviously flippant, impersonal answer and they persist. If there is a reason for their question. They should talk more about themselves and then compliment you by asking your advice. I posted my thoughts about big families on my site

Permalink 03/09/06 @ 05:46

Comment from: Beth [Visitor] · http://animperfectlife.blogspot.com

"in the future, Owlhaven I'll be taking a cue from you, when I adopt. I will answer the question 'which one's are yours?' with 'all of them'."

I think if you shut people down when they ask you questions, you miss an opportunity to educate people on adoption. *shrug*

Permalink 03/09/06 @ 07:34

Comment from: Enat [Visitor] · http://bringingdestahome.blogspot.com

Q: "Do you think he'll feel like you love him less than your real child?"

A: [jaw drops to the floor]

Answer I should have given: "Why would I love one of my real childen less than the other?"

Permalink 03/09/06 @ 08:55

Comment from: kimberj71 [Visitor]

This is one piece of adopting transculturally that I had not really expected....the grocery store stares, questions, and comments. We are white and have 3 biochildren and 2 children who were born in Guatemala.

Many of the comments are "all they all yours?" Many more though are "are they twins (referring to our two youngest who are 6 weeks apart in age)?" I always say, "No, they are six weeks apart in age" that should be a clue to the answer of the next question we ALWAYS get "oh, are they REAL brother and sister?" my response is "Yes they are." Sometimes I add "They are not biologically related" if I feel the question is coming from a good place.

However, I'm now rethinking that response because the other day my 6 year old daughter was talking to my 4 year old son about their 2 year old siblings and she said "L and J are not biological." eeek!!! So we had yet another discussion on birthfamilies and forever families and what "biological" means!

Kim

Permalink 03/10/06 @ 15:59

Comment from: shawnda [Visitor] · http://www.james127.blogspot.com

Ahhhh! Thanks for writing on this....it's SO good!!!! The latest comment I got...that I just blogged on was "ahhh...I keep forgetting they aren't really yours"!

Wow! Kind of goes with the "are they brothers?"!!! Ya know?!

Praise the Lord that He doesn't see our adoption in Him so loosely!!!!

Permalink 03/11/06 @ 14:39

Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

This was a great post!
My daughters, biologically unrelated get this "oh they look like sisters!" all the time. I resond, "Well, they ARE." I think the only similarity is that they are caucasian, perhaps not so obviously adopted, and our son is black. I always follow up with, "And my son looks just like me at that age!"
Usually shuts em right up.

Permalink 01/06/07 @ 08:42

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