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Our children have been taking swimming lessons for the past few weeks. I spend lesson time keeping an eye on my 3 year old in the baby pool. But I’m also able to watch my four older kids taking their swimming lessons.
Our new girls approached swim lessons with a bit of anxiety, and hung close to me on that first day. But their teacher has done a great job of simplifying and clarifying his instructions. I’ve been pleased to see that they seem to be doing well and enjoying themselves.
But there is another thing I’ve noticed during lessons. Often during the lessons my girls will look my direction to see if I am watching. I always grin and give them a thumbs-up, and they grin back at me, pleased to see that I am watching.
This may sound like a small thing, but anyone who has had a child struggle with attachment will tell you that it is an awesome sign on several levels. First of all, they’re seeking my attention. They’re checking back in with me visually, and they want me to see what they’re doing.
Second, they’re returning my smile when I smile at them. Kids who are struggling with attachment, or who are having trouble relating to you will often not be able to bounce a smile back at you like that. Sometimes you’ll get a sober expression instead of a smile. Other times the kids will refuse to even lock eyes with you, either bouncing their glance away when they see you looking, or they’ll refuse to engage eyes at all.
This is not only true with older children. Even infants will avoid eye contact with people they don’t know well. Sometimes I will come cooing up to a baby at church, only to have that baby turn away refusing to make eye contact. That’s perfectly appropriate when done by a baby to a casual acquaintance– and let’s face it, in the first weeks home, a baby may look at his adoptive mom as if she is a casual acquaintance. But that eye-avoidant behavior should not continue indefinitely. If attachment is progressing well, the child will gradually become more comfortable with eye contact, first briefly, and then for longer times.
The eyes truly are a window to the soul. Watch your child’s eyes and you will gain some insight regarding his attachment to you.
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