I go out to the mailbox and the letter has come, the one I’ve been waiting all week to get, the one from AHOPE, telling us who our sponsored child will be, and as I rip open the envelope I wonder who I will see: a boy or a girl, tiny or older, healthy-appearing or gaunt like HIV+ people on TV in the 1980’s before the good meds were available.
And there she is, tiny and adorable and bright-eyed, with round cheeks and a shaved head, and after I stare at her picture for a moment I read the letter that came with the picture and find out that she’s only 5 and has been there at AHOPE along with her sister for over a year, ever since both her father and mother died.
And though I thought I was prepared for a sad story, suddenly I discover how incredibly different it is to be looking at the person while reading the story, and my heart sinks deep into my stomach and rests there, rock-like, as I go about the rest of my normal day, stealing glances at her photo in between stirring soup and making biscuits and hugging my kids, with my tears welling up and then receding all day like waves on a beach.
And I try, but I cannot fathom how it must feel to be living in an orphanage, even a nice orphanage, with no guarantee that you’ll ever have someone to think you are special just because you’re you, no one to take the special care that a mother takes, to laugh over the silly phrases and the goofy antics, and to tickle and tuck her in at night.
And there’s a cowardly, comfort-loving part of me that wishes we’d just sent the money without asking to be assigned a child, so I wouldn’t have to see a picture, wouldn’t have to imagine this little one so far away. But even as that thought surfaces, I feel a stern-jawed indignation, an anger. By God, if a 5 year old is orphaned, someone should be feeling her pain, someone should know she is suffering. Someone besides just that child. And if that person be me, then so be it.
Because if I know of her existence in the world, if I am praying for her at bedtime, then maybe she is not quite as alone, not quite as bereft.
Even if all I am doing is praying and sending measly McDonald’s money.
Even if she still doesn’t have what she needs most.
Oh, do I know what you mean.
So now my mascara is all smeared off today…
I know exactly what you mean and I’m not sure how I’m going to live with it.
carol
I so know what you’re saying and I feel the same way about the sisters we sponsor at AHOPE (one of which is 5, they’ve been orphaned a little over a year, I wonder if they’re the same girls!) We met them in February when we were there and I will never forget that day and the horrible, horrible feeling of knowing these girls don’t have parents, in addition to having a difficult disease.
lots of tears here too…
I know. I feel it every day. The horrible injustice of the world is sometimes too much to bear. Why why why??? Thank goodness there are people like you, Mary, who are fighting this injustice. Would you ever consider adopting an HIV positive child?
Iyasu- My husband and I have talked about it a little. He finds the financial aspect of the HIV diagnosis pretty intimidating. We already have 8, including 1 who needs a new $10,000 prosthetic leg every year. (Fortunately we have good insurance and pay only a small fraction of that.) Who knows, my husband may change his mind and decide it is a doable thing for us at some point, but I don’t know…
Mary
Yes, it is the same here. If we could afford it, I would do it in a heartbeat. The financial side is a big obstacle especially with the health care costs and insurance rates skyrocketing. But anyway, I’m definately leaving the door open.
Mary – Excellent post on an equally excellent topic. God bless your tender heart.
When we got the picture of our first girl we sponsored at AHOPE I was undone. And, I knew at that moment of undoneness that God was calling us to adopt some kids from there.
Your post will make a perfect lead-in for a future post that describes the process your family went through in coming to the conclusion that she was for you. No pressure of course
Wow, Mary! Thanks for this.
richlisad– I’ll be thinking of you guys if your prediction on our behalf comes true…
pray for us…
Mary
Mary,
We also have another high-medical expenses child, and we figured we already max out our deductibles…
Ha! Well of course, I say go for it.
Plus, there are a lot of great programs for parents of HIV kids to help pay for meds. It’s called the Ryan White programs, and they vary from state to state. It’s worth looking into though if you start thinking seriously about it. I am a “when there is a will, there is a way” sort of gal…
I can honestly say after being with these kids all week that they are the greatest…they all are just happy and sweet and so full of love…and so wanting love. It is one of my deepest desires to see more of these kids find forever families where they can bloom and live their lives to their very fullest potentials. “your” little girl was at Kindergarten when we were at AHOPE and the kids were all over the place at the amusment park yesterday, but I’ll find her tomorrow for sure.
Hugs,
E
Happy to pray…