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The vast majority of families adopting for the first time request a ‘healthy’ child. Any thoughtful person realizes that there are no guarantees in parenthood, whether the child is born to you or to a stranger. And yet adoptive parenting, with it’s special needs checklists and the probing questions from social workers sometimes lets folk feel like they have more power to ‘opt out’ of special needs parenting than if they’d birthed a child with special needs themselves.
I read an article recently in the New York Times by a woman who had adopted a baby from China who turned out to have spina bifida. She and her husband ultimately decided to continue on with the adoption, but it was a difficult and unexpected road to take.
Erin wrote a post recently on her Transracial Blog about special needs adoption. She describes the start of her family’s adoption journey to be fairly typical–she and her husband requested a ‘healthy’ infant for their first adoption, but went on later to adopt many children, including an older sibling group and a child who is HIV+.
My husband and I began our adoption journey in a similar way. We were open to some very mild special needs with our first adoption from Korea. But basically our expectation was ‘healthy’. Our second adoption process began when we fell in love with a little boy who was missing a foot. Thanks to a friend who had gone before, and who assured us that orthopedic special needs such as his weren’t that big a deal, we felt brave enough to go forward with his adoption. She was right. His orthopedic issues involve a trip to the prosthetics office a couple times a year for a new leg– but he can do everything that any other kid his age can do.
Since his adoption, my feelings changed a lot about the terms ‘disability’ and ‘healthy child’. Though my son walks with a prosthetic, I do not consider him to be disabled. Many people who see him don’t even realize that he has a prosthetic until they have known him for many months. And even if he did walk with a limp, or need a crutch, or multiple surgeries during his life, it would still be worth it to parent him. He is an awesome kid, and we are so glad we found the courage somewhere to move forward with his adoption.
Though most parents don’t begin their adoption journey considering children with the ’special needs’ label, many of us find ourselves there in the end. And despite extra doctor visits and medical bills and tough moments and days where we feel like our hearts can’t take the strain, we know our children are worth any struggle. We are so grateful to have them in our lives.
Special needs adoption may or may not end up being in your future. But don’t shut the doors without thinking hard about it. The perfect kid for your family may very well have the words ’special needs’ written on his file.
Recommended Reading
Considering special needs adoption
Affording health care for children with special needs
HIV+ children can be adopted
Excellent post, Mary! We had never considered any “serious” special needs, until our 3rd daughter joined us through a disruption situation. She has burns over 60% of her body. Yes, she needs frequent surgeries, but what a kid and what a spirit! Our lives changed COMPLETELY, by adding her to our family. And, if it wasn’t for her, we would have never explored Ethiopia as an adoption option or for ongoing mission trips. She truly opened our eyes and increased our spirituallity 100 fold!
When my parents were praying about adoption, they felt called to choose a child who would otherwise be last on the list, because of a “defect”. My brother was born in Korea with his right forearm gone, which made him “disabled” but he’s hardly that. It’s really amazing. He always fought prosthetics, so my parents looked for ways for him to do things one-handed, and I the first impression that he makes these days is not “missing a hand” but “Wow, what a sharp looking young man”.