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This evening I was lying in my 3 year old’s bed, helping her get settled in for the night. I told her it was almost time for me to go and she did her usual fussing, trying to keep me just a few minutes longer. Finally, she said in tones of frustration, “But, Mom, I have a terrible sickness on me!”
Through giggles (mine) and a few tummy-tickles (both of us) I managed to make her admit that she wasn’t really sick after all. Finally she was tucked in for the night, and I could slip away, with the promise that I would peek in on her in awhile.
Seems like a commonplace interaction, but it took us two years to get to this point– the point where I could walk away with her still awake in bed and have her be OK and able to fall asleep without me. For TWO years, (up till just a month or so ago) I laid in bed next to her every single night until she fell asleep.
Sure, I tried leaving while she was awake a few times before that. But her deep heart-wrenching sobs let me know that no matter what was convenient for me, she most definitely was NOT ready to get to sleep alone. So I stayed. And stayed. And stayed.
Yeah, some folks would say I was being too soft– that I was spoiling her. And frankly, it wasn’t always easy to be lying in the dark bedroom when I wanted to be out watching the news and chatting with my hubby. But this was a kid who spent a year of her life in an orphanage. My mom-instincts were telling me her need for me at that time was deep and real. I did what was best for her. I stayed.
And here she is, finally old enough to go it on her own at bedtime. Yes, I’m enjoying being able to sit out with my hubby at newstime. But there is a wistful pang in my heart each time I walk away from her, tucked up all sweet in that little bed.
She’s growing up so fast. So when she comes in for that 5 am cuddle like she still does 3 or 4 times a week, I’ll scoot over and tuck the covers in over her, and spoon in behind her back. Because one of these days she’ll have outgrown that cuddle time too…
great posts the past few days for those of us bringing home kids that are a bit older…
thanks!
I’m glad there is hope! I’ve also tried having K go to sleep by herself, but she ‘gets scared’… I figure she’ll grow into or out of this phase so I haven’t worried about it to much.
I love your post! I literally laughed out loud. My son who just turned two tells me as we are lying there that a body part hurts, and needs me to kiss it. It’s a different body part every night. Aren’t kids hysterical? Great post.
Your blog really touched me. As an adoptee, this would have meant so much to me as a newly adopted four year old child.
I too, was in an orphanage from shortly after birth until I was adopted at 4 1/2 yrs old. At the orphanage I had a ’sister’ that I slept with from the time we were babies until my adoption. She was another child in the orphanage that I had bonded to very closely.
After being adopted, I was put in my own bedroom in complete darkness with the door closed. My adoptive mother never lay with me to give me comfort or reassurance that she was there and that I was not ‘alone’. I still remember crying myself to sleep for a long long time, cuddling a stuffed animal that was given to me by my foster parents when I was a baby, feeling very alone, and missing my ’sister’.
My adoptive parents had the attitude that when they adopted me, that I was a ‘new’ child and never took into consideration that I had a past, and was bonded closely to other people that I missed, loved, and grieved for. It was a very difficult time for me, and my adjustment could have been made easier, had I had adoptive parents that were sensitive to me being a child that NEEDED to be held, loved, and assured.
A few months after my adoption, I was playing outside with my brother (who was their biological child) and went into my bedroom to put shorts on. My adoptive parents didn’t realize I had come into the house through the back door. In my room, I heard them arguing. My adoptive dad was yelling at my adoptive mom and telling her that he didn’t want me anyway, that he’d wanted a boy for their son to play with. Even as a small child, I realized the impact of that statement and was devasted. Needless to say, it caused me to not bond with either one of them as I should have. A day or so after hearing their arguement, I went to my newly adoptive mother and told her that, “I will stay here and play with Steve until he grows up, but then I want to go home to my mommy and daddy”. (my foster parents)
Thanks for giving this time and reassurance to your child. You can never understand what a difference this will make. Adoptees, including myself, tend to have issues with abandonment throughout their lives. Being given reassurance that you are there and aren’t going to leave them, even for bedtime, until they are able to cope with being alone to sleep and knowing that you are still going to be there will make a difference.
You sound like a wonderful mother!
Melissa
TWO years, we’ve been home for 2 weeks and our new 3 year old not being able to fall asleep unless we’re in the room is already starting to get old. I don’t really mind it at bedtime (although I’d rather be doing something other than sitting in the dark…at least I get to listen to classical music), but the 2am call for “mommy/daddy” is really starting to drain me. At least he’s small enough that I can just lay down in his bed if it seems like it will take him awhile to get back to sleep.
Now if I could only coordinate him with the dog’s request to go out, I wouldn’t be so tired right now.
Yes, Brian, it can get tiring! I didn’t mention it, but the 3 year old slept IN OUR bed for the first 6 months home– that helped with the 2 AM wakening a little bit. At least I didn’t have to get out of bed. Lying down with your child in their bed is a good option too. Good for you for being sensitive to your child’s needs!
Yes, as hard as it is, it’s been a great attachment activity and he is more attached to the two of us than his older sister (5) after 2 weeks of them being home.