Rule-setting for new arrivals

When new children come home, of course the primary goal is to help them settle in and become well attached. However if you adopt a child over the age of toddlerhood, it becomes quickly apparent that children also need to learn to fit in and cooperate as a part of the family. They need to learn the expectations in your family.

Different families have different expectations. At first the longing to have your new children like you can make it tempting to not insist on anything in the way of good behavior. In the first weeks it is wise to major in the majors. You may choose to ignore poor table manners for a few weeks or not insist on PJ’s every night or let go any number of other small issues.

But the truth is that even relaxed families have rules– be it bedtime routines or respect for parents or even just where to put the TP. And as the newness wears off and reality sets in, it can be extremely frustrating to parent children who are doing all sorts of things that you as parents do not usually allow. It truly is kindest to everyone to be straightforward right from the start and teach kids what we expect.

This is especially important if you have more than one or two children. Your ‘old’ kids will quickly notice if you have different standards for them than you do for the new arrivals. Not only will they resent it, they will also push for right to ignore those rules themselves. And family-wide revolt is not on any parent’s list of fun things to deal with.

Quick example: our 9 and 11 year olds had never had to wear seatbelts before they came to America. The 11 year old complained bitterly about the shoulder strap digging into her neck. I felt sympathy for her and told her that it was OK to tuck the shoulder strap under her arm. Soon after that, our ‘old’ 9 year olds who hadn’t before had trouble with their seatbelts also began complaining about their shoulder straps. Pretty soon nobody wanted to wear their shoulder straps, and really, I preferred that all the children wear them. I would have saved myself all sorts of hassle if I’d simply clucked sympathetically when my new daughter complained about her shoulder strap, and perhaps given her a soft cloth to pad the offending strap.

In the long run, rules help children feel more secure. They maintain parental sanity and they help your family function smoothly. So don’t hesitate to gently explain to your new kids what’s acceptable and what’s not. I’ll talk in a future post about some ways to motivate kids to obey.

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