Yes! You have readers and I am one of them. I read you all the time. Ha. I'm thinking of inventing a whole new category of diagnoses based on the blogging experience.

I published a post back at the beginning on "Blog Envy." Now, you sound like you have Blog Anxiety? Or, would that be Commenter's Anxiety? Aren't we all funny? Then there are others who seem to be very Blog Secure. Oh, I crack myself up.

Anyway, to your question. I have long since learned that there's no setting grown folks straight on matters of race, religion, or politics. It's just not gonna happen. I guess every once in a while you get the individual who has a conversion experience, but, that seems to come from the inside, not from any external pressure.

Usually I let off steam about stupid comments, but that's just to make me feel good. I'm not under any false illusions that it actually changes anyone especially not an adult. And no matter what, people are entitled to think and feel as they please and express those thoughts and feelings.

Launching into a lecture isn't going to really make that much of a difference. I know that as an adult, I'm not particularly responsive to a lecture from anyone. I'm open to other people's opinions, and discussing our differences respectfully, but in the end, neither of us tend to change our positions on things.

As a psychologist I'm very fond of using the "pregnant pause" or the "therapeutic silence" when I hear something that is particularly offensive. I don't say a word. Not a single word. I just adopt a cold and impassive stare and hold it until the other persons breaks it. Then I let that individual take the conversation wherever he, or she chooses. This only works if you're not hell bent on getting your piece said. Usually, I'm not.

There are probably a lot more out there like me that read every one of your posts, but just haven't left a comment.
Regarding to responding to offensive comments like the one you recently got...well most of me wants to say something to the fact that that is a typical uneducated explanation from someone who would rather perpetuate generalizations about an entire race of people rather than educate themselves on the root causes of the orphan crisis like poverty, disease, and yes racism. Then the rest of me realizes (like the other commenter) that most people who are ignorant enough to make comments like that aren't ever going to listen...so perhaps silence is better. But, then again it is probably pretty likely that nobody has ever confronted them with a statement like the one I made above, and at the very least I doubt you'd ever have to talk to that person again.
Please keep blogging...I follow your other blog also and so enjoy both!

You know what, the "pause" is about all that works. People who are so ignorant that they would let pure sludge drip from there vile mouths like that are not bright enough to pick up on how ridiculous they are. Any smart witted comment would blow right past them and over their heads. The only thing a vengeful comment would do would be to lower yourself onto their playing field. I think of the movie "You've Got Mail" when Meg Ryan wanted so badly to have a sharp comeback against Tom Hanks character. When she finally was able to do it and she did it well, she fell horrible and wanted to crawl under a rock.

We've faced a small amount of racism toward Mia since she has been home. It is a hard thing to stomach but what I have come to realize is that I feel so sorry for those who are so insecure in their little worlds that they must build a fence of ignorance and pride to keep out the likes of my little Mia. They're pathetic.

The silence says, "I've heard you and I'm utterly astounded that you think on such a low level." It's perfect.

As Forrest Gump usually would conclude "That's all I've got to say about that..."

Hey...I'm a reader!

First of all, if these people are thinking of children available for adoption in the U.S., it simply isn't true. They can check the statistics--relinquishment is much more a white phenonmenon than a black one. In the U.S., black families tend to have a bias against adoption, and attempt to stay together under tougher conditions.

Since your children come from Ethiopia, the situation is a little different (and should be easier for these morons to grasp). There, crushing social problems are what lead to the fact of children needing homes. (Social failings are what cause adoptions here, too, but obviously, things are much more dire in Ethiopia.) What part of death, disease and poverty is hard for these goons to understand?

Anger and sarcasm don't usually work, though. So I guess my next approach would be to quietly ask them to please step outside their own world for a minute and imagine what it must be like to give up a child, to really consider the possible reasons a mother might do that. If you can get people thinking about the extreme pressures that cause mothers to relinquish a child--stuff like poverty, war, lack of family support, racism, lack of social programs--maybe they could make the connection that minorities face these problems to a greater extent than privileged whites do. It isn't higher birth rates among blacks, but a greater intensity of pressures.

In the end, ignorance is ignorance, and you probably won't be able to change many minds. But if these people have any capacity for imagination, and spend a little time thinking about it, they should be able to figure out how and why kids become available for adoption.

It's always easier to throw up your hands and write off the ignorant as total losses. But I do think it's our responsibility as triad members to make people think more deeply about adoption. Sounds like you agree.

If the pregnant pause thing doesn't work, there's a nerve cluster right where the lower jaw intersects with the skull that responds pretty well to a single, precise blow.

I haven't actually had to try this on any of my relatives (some of whom are kind of beefy rugby-playing South African farmers), and I hope I really wouldn't need to, but, you know, always an option.

I always try to keep in mind that there are people you can educate and there are people you can't. You have to stay on higher ground than the people you can't and walk side by side with the people you can.

I read you everyday...I don't always comment though. We are adopting from Ethiopia and already are a transracial family.

I agree with Dr.G. Sometimes waiting is the best thing. Also, the best advice I have ever heard when approached with questions or statements to say "why do you ask/say that?". It pretty much puts the ball back in their court and most of the time, in the process of trying to explain their question/statement, most people get embarassed. I really think that most of these comments are made without thinking about what they really said. Even the seemingly rude ones....most people are not vicscous, just thoughtless.

Just yesterday I had a cable tv repairman in my home. My daughter (white) was downstairs but I went up to get my son (black). He asked me "is that your son?". I said, "yes, this is my youngest". He looked at me for about 3 seconds and then said "why would you adopt a baby? Why not just make your own?". Without missing a beat I answered "why do you ask about my fertility?". He got embarassed. I wasn't trying to make him uncomfortable, but just because someone asks or says something idiotic, it doesn't mean you have to answer. I have also done the flip answer or sarcastic one.

The best advice that I have ever heard about this was actually on the transracial family blog (Erin) here on the blogs. Erin makes a point of saying that whatever you do in this situation, you be sure that your response/reaction is what you want your CHILD to hear. We don't always want our kids to think that being rude or flip is the way to deal with these kinds of questions. They will continue to be asked, so we need to balance showing the inappropriateness and teaching moment, with showing our children the right way to handle it. She says it much, much better. That put it in new perspective for me.

Now when approached with those kinds of questions or comments, I simply say "why do you ask" or I just say "that is a personal matter and I am sure that even though it appears that you are passing judgement on something that you don't know much about, you don't mean to say such a hurtful/intrusive/judegmental thing" That works too.

Mary,
You know I love you!I l always read you, but don't always comment because between getting my own posts off and answering emails, I use up all my computer time!
I have said this before, but how I handle rude comments depends on who it is coming from, what my mood is like, and most of all, if my kids are listening.

If my kids were around when someone made that horrible "zipped pants" comment, I would flat out tell them that their comment was racist, inappropriate and extremely rude. Our kids need to know that we will not tolerate this sort of stuff, so they learn not to tolerate it either. Plus, the erson sayin git really needs to know just how WRONG it was to say it in the first place.
Keep writing. I'll be reading! :)
E

Yeah that's a tough one for sure. I am still new to all of this and yet I HAVE heard my fair share of racist comments, ignorant comments, and the like already.

Unfortunately I think there are a fair amount of people in this country who don't think very highly of Africans, of Africa, or of African Americans. It ticks me off!

I know for myself I used to be a bit more ignorant than I am. I used to wonder how much racism still existed. Because how would I know? I've lived in predominantly white communities my entire life. I guess it was hard for me to imagine that there were really people out there who hated others based on their skin color.

WELL, it is alive and well. I have seen it in the way people have spoken to my sons and I have seen it in the comments people make regarding Africa. To be honest I am still dumbfounded by this.

I am sad for my sons that this is something they will face in the country that I brought them to.

Not sure what the answer is but there's nothing wrong with "enlightening" someone, or saying "You know, I have to say that is inappropriate," or just staying quiet. I HATE confrontation so this is something I know I will be having to get over in the years to come.

If nothing else, if you can do SOMETHING that shows you disagree, maybe it'll make them think twice before saying that to someone again...

If the offending party is a Bible believing Christian, politely ask them if they've read 1 John lately? God makes it pretty clear that He's serious about loving your neighbor!

Luckily we have not experienced any overt or even covert racism directed at us our our son (aside from the myriad "Why did you choose to adopt from another country when there are so many kids in the US ... blah blah blah" questions) but if I were faced with something as overtly assinine as the zipper comment, I would most likely respond with

1) no words but a look of absolute horror, disgust, and revulsion on my face, which would probably say more than my words could

2) "A person's race has nothing to do with his/her morality" (if I could even manage to choke this out intelligibly)

or

3) "That is about the rudest comment I have ever heard."

I read other blogs as much as I can, including yours. I know what you mean about not getting comments. Like you, I get some, but, you do sometimes wonder.

A few points. First,Heather is right - traditionally adoption is way less popular in the black community. As for unplanned pregnancies, I don't think it is even that relevant who has more. Responding to ignorant people like that - I wonder if anything you say will impact them and wise them up.

You gotta try though, huh?

I think that I would simply say to people, "It is way more complex that just that". I'd probably be tempted to tell them as nicely as possible how truly offensive their comment was too though - depending on the situation. Hmmm, let me think of a nice way to tell them.

I like the idea of just looking at them with a huge look of revulsion, like, "Why on earth would you say such a thing?" I could give them a look that would send them running - my hubby says I am good at that!

Yup, I read daily. Still in the process, hopefully traveling in a few months. Maybe I will have more to give then!