Hopefully this week of sharing by adoptive families has not scared the liver out of anyone. From reading years of posts on several adoptive parenting e-groups, I know that the stories shared are a pretty fair representation of the scope and type of issues that many parents of new children face. Some kids will be more challenging, others less.

Most every kid will give you some moments where you'll probably think, Holy smokes, what have we done? But over and over again, while sharing the challenges of the first 6 months or so, parents will add that all the work and all the struggle was worth it, and that they would do it again in a heartbeat.


So what types of things help smooth the early adjust process?

SLEEP ISSUES

First of all, I think it is wise to be flexible about children's needs for reassurance at night. Some parents help kids resolve their fears by sleeping with them, either in the parent's bed or in a big bed in the child's room. Other parents make a bed on the floor next to the parent's bed for the child to use.

I remember one particularly funny story of a family letting the child sleep next to their bed for several weeks and then gradually moving the child's bed further away from theirs, a few inches every night, to gradually 'wean' the child into sleeping on his own.

Randi mentioned that after many sleepless nights in the first weeks, where Hana would wake crying and wandering the house, they decided to let the girls sleep together in a big bed. Allowing Hana to sleep with her sister gave her the comfort she needed to finlly settle down and sleep well at night.


CONTROL ISSUES

Many parents help their children with control issues by giving their children small choices as often as possible, allowing the child to choose between a couple of choices that are both acceptable to mom and dad. You can do this with two foods at mealtime, two shirts when dressing in the morning, or two bedtime stories.

Elizabeth mentioned that she lets her daughter pick her own clothing.

Every morning, she gets to pick out her own clothes. I make sure only weather appropriate stuff is put in her drawers and she gets to do what she wants. Heck, the only time one can pull off a pink plaid skirt, pink striped shirt, pastel heart tights with Hello Kitty boots is when you are her age, so why not? I think she's the cutest kid in kindergarten.

I personally have never been able to force myself to be quite that laid back, especially when we're going someplace. But I do routinely let kids choose between two or three outfits, all of which I can live with.

If you are dealing with a very strong-willed child, he or she may immediately clamor to broaden the number of selections. If it is not really a big deal, I'll allow it. But for a kid inclined to make every choice a matter of debate, I'll sometimes insist they do it my way. "No, I'll make apple juice another day. Orange juice and water are your choices today. Would you like to choose one of them, or shall I choose for you?"

Use your instincts on this: sometimes a kid will be trying to rule the household. Other times he's just expressing his violent dislike of orange juice. Kids do need to learn that they can't always dictate the choices in the household. However, smaller choices on a regular basis allow most kids to feel happier when mom does need to step in and make an executive decision.



THE POWER OF ROUTINE

Many parents mentioned that their children thrive on routine, especially at first. They like knowing what comes next. Several parents mention that their child's worst flareups of misbehavior happen when the family routine has been disrupted and the child is feeling off-balance.


PARENTING RESOURCES

Many parents, me included, have found a lot of good parenting help in the book Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline. His emphasis on natural consequences and loving, firm limits tends to work extremely well with newly arrived adopted children.

Elizabeth mentioned a series of books called "The Best Me I Can Be." They re simple ilustrated books that talk aboout telling the truth, being a good
friend, and being a good listener, among other things. Elizabeth felt these books were helpful in expanding her new daughter's vocabulary and understanding, and were a good way to discuss problems in a non-threatening way.

I'd love to hear from other experienced parents here. What eased those early months of transition for your family?