I got an e-mail from a mom who had the good fortune of meeting some of her baby’s extended family while in Ethiopia. She was grateful for the opportunity but came away from the meeting confused. The info that the agency had initially shared about her child didn’t jive with what the extended family was saying. Her biggest question surrounded the children in the family. Were they actually siblings to her child? Or cousins?
She wrote me because she was concerned about how to handle this unclear information as her child grew. She wants to be able to tell her child the truth about his past, especially when it comes to whether or not he has siblings. But that’s pretty hard when she doesn’t know the truth herself.
I thought I’d share my answer here since I know that many adoptive families face similar issues. I’ve heard that it is common in Ethiopia to say kids are siblings, even in cases when the children are actually cousins. It is not considered lying, but rather acknowledging that extended family relationships are valuable.
My older Ethiopian girls have several friends that they have described as ’sisters’ just to emphasize how close they feel to them. In some cases the children who are adopted have lived with an aunt or uncle for a while, with the aunt or uncle basically functioning as an informal adoptive parent. In a case like this it would be even easier to see that these children growing up in the same household would be considered siblings.
That still leaves the question of what to tell your child. It is important to keep in mind that the majority of adopted kids do NOT know all their history. Among my 6 adopted kids, we have details on only two kids– the ones who were old enough to tell their story themselves. For two others we have sketchy history. For two others we know literally nothing. That is very common.
I think in any situation, no matter how little or much we know, our children have the right to eventually know everything we know about their past. In the case of conflicting information, that can be tougher. But again, I’d just be straightforward and say that you heard two different versions of the story and you don’t know which is correct.
We may not ever be able to find out the details, and our children may always have questions about their past. But I think the most important thing for us to do as parents is to honestly share as much as we know, and then give our children recurring opportunity to express their feelings about all of it, both the known and the unknown details.
And just as a laid-back but loving parental response to a skinned knee will often help a child react more calmly to the injury, I also think that a matter-of-fact, relaxed, casual willingness to talk things out will help kids be more accepting of the facts of their adoption.
Related Links
Speaking with others about your child’s past
Family trees and classroom projects
Photo Credit: Mary Owlhaven
