Lots of people are familiar with postpartum depression, the depression that strikes women in the first year or so after giving birth. But fewer people are aware that adoptive mothers can experience something similar after new children come home.
The adoption process can be a roller-coaster–such a time of looking forward to this new child’s coming–that the reality of day to day life with this new little person can be surprising at first. Even experienced parents can be left reeling, especially if the child takes a while to settle in, or resists bonding at first.
The New York Times article “After The Adoption: A New Child And The Blues” from April 25, 2006 has this to say:
Many adoptive parents feel delirious with happiness when bringing home their child. Yet for some, this joy can be short-lived and dissolve into what experts call post-adoption depression. For some, it is simply a low mood, for others a full-fledged plunge into despair.
But most suffer secretly because of the shame and guilt of not being entirely happy over something they had chosen and, in many cases, worked so hard to get.
Post-adoption depression is recognized among adoption professionals, but there is no research on the syndrome. It is not adequately addressed by many adoption agencies, say experts, and is not widely understood by the public, including those who embark on adoption.
In the book she cowrote with Dr. John Thompson “The Post-Adoption Blues”, Karen Foli and her husband, co-author, with her husband, said this of the parents interviewed for the book, “They chose to be a parent of adoption, they’ve wanted it for so long, and they’re dumbfounded and feel tremendous guilt and shame admitting they have anything less than positive feelings.”
Making this even more challenging is the fact that society tends to put adoptive parents on a pedestal. It can be really hard for adoptive parents to admit they are ambivalent or depressed about this new family member they worked so hard to bring home.
When I was dealing with my child who resisted attachment, I felt overwhelmed by the guilt at first. I wanted to feel ‘in love’. But, because of his lack of response to me, at first all I could muster was a sense of caring– not the deep passionate intense love I felt so quickly for all my others. I knew it was different and I felt awful about it.
But you know what? That sense of caring, coupled with a willingness to at first simply go through the motions of loving motherhood, was enough. ‘Love is a decision’ was my mantra for awhile. As he became less resistant to my affection, lo and behold, my feelings came around too.
It took about a year for him to become attached. Now the love we have for each other is strong and healthy. He is a great kid– thriving and happy. But those first months were hard enough that I can totally relate to other moms who struggle with depression at first.
If you are struggling with post-adoption depression, don’t be afraid to reach out and get help. There are others who have gone through the same thing.
