Part One

Part Two

Emotions:
During the first month (& even a bit into the second month), our older daughter was regularly not choosing/preferring us & pretty consistently refusing affection & eye contact. This process has been amazing to watch, because it was SO awful at the beginning & is so wonderful now, but living through those months was really difficult because even though I read all the required stuff, I imagined it happening differently.

Seeing little changes & rejoicing, & also keeping our eyes on the big goal of having her attach in a healthy way, got us through that time. Minute by minute was tough. When we had to set a boundary for something (not hitting mom or something), we would hold her in our lap until she calmed down & would listen to the rule; for example "no" (shake head) "hit" (moved hand up & down) & give us a signal that she would submit (we learned quickly her body language for yes & no). This took up to a half hour sometimes. She has quite a strong will.

I haven't heard of many parents having this much trouble with the beginning of the attaching process, but I think it might be helpful to hear some of the daily stuff that comes for a child who is afraid for the first couple of months.

[NOTE FROM MARY: Actually this is NOT unusual. I've heard of several other kids with similar reactions.]

Eating:
It is very helpful to think ahead to what your child might eat at the beginning. Have your pantry stocked before you go with all that stuff, so you don't have to worry about it when you get home. Your brain will probably not work well the first little while (maybe even your body too) & you will be emotionally & physically exhausted; make everything as easy as possible.

It is likely your children will eat a TON at the beginning. We were amazed. If they liked it, they wanted huge amounts of it. Don't be surprised & let them have it. It took our girls a couple of weeks to realize the meals would keep coming. We do a snack midmorning & mid afternoon too. They did not do the hoarding thing, but maybe older kids would.

Resources:
Realize ahead of time that you are likely to be completely overwhelmed & out of your league. We were soooo thankful for our church families bringing meals & friends doing laundry for us & my dad paying for our house to be cleaned. We called other families that brought home kids our girls' ages, just to make sure we were not doing things completely wrong.

Our big kids took on more responsibility & we praised them. Don't be afraid to ask for help from those who love you, but may not understand. Explain the basics of attachment if you have to, so they understand why you want to be the one playing with, feeding & bathing them. Do the routines you have established over & over so the kids feel safe.

I know this was really really long, but I kind of feel like [adoptive families are] really good at the "planning for" process & sometimes didn't detail some of the heart work that all these families do. I hope other families who have brought home "older kids" will be able to share some of their stories. Our blog details much more & has cutie pictures of all our kids.

Blessings on all of you & your precious children,
Sonya

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[Note from Mary: Thanks, Sonya, for doing such an awesome job describing your daughters' adjustments!