Parenting The Powerful Child

Do you have a ‘powerful’ kid? One who will argue you under the table rather than follow your instructions or admit he was wrong? I have a few kids like that myself.

These kids tend to be highly intelligent. They can very easily become entirely devoted to and obsessed with getting their own way, and won‘t hesitate to wage emotional war on mom in the heat of trying to avoid consequences.

I have at times succumbed to the power of ‘you don’t love me!’, especially in the case of my adopted ones, fearing adoption/attachment issues. When I hear that, I do address that and try to make sure that is not truly a fear.

However on mulling it all over in regards to my kids, USUALLY this extreme over-reaction is them wanting to be in control, pure and simple. When I feel reasonably sure it is just a power play, I talk to the child about the right ways to respond and obey.

For example, at our house, when asked to do something, the younger kids need to say, ‘Yes, mom, I’ll be glad to do it“.

No, this phrase does not make them magically WANT to do it. But since the heart often follows the words, it tends to get their hearts closer to true obedience. With my teenagers, I expect a lower-key but still cheerful ’sure mom’ — not that I *always* get it, of course!

By encouraging my kids to model willingness even when they don’t exactly feel it, I am convinced I am helping them out in the future. How many times do you get a request from a boss that you are less than thrilled with? But unless you are very foolhardy or very valuable to that employer, you’d better wrap your mind around getting the job done, even if your heart isn’t in it.

I do still LISTEN to my kids. I have taught the older ones how to raise an objection respectfully. For example, they could say, “Sure mom! It’s actually Billy’s turn to empty the dishwasher this time. Did you still want me to do it?”

But it is important for them to learn that the initial response not be to argue. Powerful kids are masters at coming up with reasons they shouldn’t have to obey!

Also, with all my kids, I find I have the best results if I give consequences on the FIRST offense. That may sound overly punishing to some people. But the problem is that powerful kids will argue til you‘re blue in the face. Calling them on that immediately will actually in the long run DIMINISH the amount of conflict between your kids and yourself.

If they take you seriously the first time you say something, you won’t be frustrated by constantly having to remind them 3 or 4 times before getting the desired response. And face it, unless you want total anarchy in your house, you’re gonna have to require your kid to obey at some point. Why not before you’re spitting and raging around like a bull? (Not that I’ve had any experience with that….grin)

Another great thing about expecting obedience the first time is that it helps the kids’ self-esteem. Kids who are constantly in conflict with mom don’t feel so good about themselves, even when it is THEIR defiance that is constantly getting them in hot water.

One caveat here regarding newly arrived kids: they need structure too, but they will also need a little more latitude due to language issues. You’ve got to make sure there’s understanding there.

One more thought: all of my kids, not just my ’powerful’ ones seem happiest when my parenting is most consistent and predictable. Not an easy thing to do some days, but it is always a goal to strive for.

I realize my approach may not work for everyone. But I have found that in wrestling with these types of issues, hearing how other people handle things will often help clarify how I would like to deal with the same things.

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