One of the challenges of parenting kids who have experienced loss in their lives is that sometimes they can have over-the-top reactions to perceived loss. Something as minor as getting a smaller piece of cake than a sibling can send them into paroxysms of misery.

Now, I’ve got enough kids to realize that most kids will complain about that type of thing. But an over-reactor does this to an extreme, and at an older age than is typical for an untraumatized child. He/she may be truly devastated when something like this happens, and his devastation may last for hours.

This type of behavior can drive even a patient parent to the brink some days. I have found that it helps tremendously to have a plan for dealing with this. Here are some things that help my kids get things back into perspective.

I start by talking with the child about the difference between a big problem and a little problem. I ask the child to think of problems. Then we talk about them and together decide if each problem is a big problem or a little problem.

For example, if the house is on fire or if someone is bleeding, that’s a big problem. Dropping a cookie on the floor or losing your shoes is a little problem.

Then each time I see the child starting to get worked up over something small, I will say, “Take a deep breath now. Is this a big problem or a little problem?”

Even my most frequent over-reactor is always able to identify that he is 'losing it' over something small. And almost unfailingly that little reminder is enough to help him cool down.

Another thing I do when I see a kid moping over something he thinks he needs, but didn’t get, is to say, “Quick, tell me three things that are good in your life right now.”

Pausing to answer the question and make the list short-circuits the anger flare-up, and gives him a chance to think of something positive. Another question along those lines is, “What made you happiest today?”

In the short-term, maybe all I am doing is distracting my child from the frustration of the moment. But I hope that it is also setting him up with tools for the future. Repeated often enough, I hope these comments will become part of his inner life, part of his thought process, and part of the way he deals with stress in the future. And that is a definite step towards maturity.

Related links

Communication and Emotions