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I stumble out groggily to the living room, intent on coffee and few minutes of quiet email before breakfast. The 6 youngest are already up, watching kids’ shows on PBS. When my (home from Ethiopia in August) 12 year old spots me, she says, “Mom– fire!” and then turns her attention back to the TV.
I understand that she is not yet speaking in complete sentences, but her imperious tone grates on my tired self. “What?!?” I say in a disbelieving tone.
Still staring at the TV, she repeats herself. “Make fire! I’m cold.” She curls her 12 year old self into a more comfortable ball in the recliner and tucks the pillows around herself.
“You need to be nice to mom. I think you mean, ‘Mom, could you PLEASE light the fire?’”
She looks irritated at the correction and says, “Mom. Fire. (pause) Please.”
Still ruffled, I work for a calm tone. “If you go outside and grab me a few pieces of wood, I’ll be glad to make a fire.” (The woodpile is right next to the back door)
“No.” She shakes her head dismissively.
I grab my coffee and sit down to ponder this impasse, because actually, it is cold and I would like a fire too. But I’ll be darned if I’m making a fire in response to her command- not without her help anyway.
A few minutes later I remember that two of the 6 kids have before-breakfast jobs that aren’t done yet. I ask them to get going on the jobs and they hop to it. Then I walk to the TV, turn it off, and ask the remaining 4 kids to each get a couple of pieces of wood. “The TV can go back on after you get wood.”
With that motivation, three of the four hop right up (including the 2-yr-old) and walk outside with me to grab wood. I wonder what I’m going to do if the 12 year old refuses. But a minute later– praise the Lord — the 12 year old comes out too, grabs her two sticks, clunks them onto the hearth, and stomps off to her room, where she now remains.
Leaving me wondering if I’ll pay all day for correcting her disrespect.
Sigh.
Give me strength.
Related links
Dealing with resistance, doling out consequences
Majoring in the majors (this one was written before my kids came home!)
Mary,
You are on my heart and mind so often these days.
You are such a good Mom. I am so thankful that God has entrusted these two girls to you. He knew that they needed a Mom who would be strong, and loving, and set boundaries.
You are doing *such* a good job, and your love and determination are inspiring.
Galatians 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Love,
Renee
Mary,
I know you know this (and you are living it now) but over reacting to correction is pretty basic to older kid adoptees.As Renee says just keep at it girl you are doing it well!
bless you
Dawn
ps I might have a heart to heart with her to explain in more detail her attitude is not how to treat a good mom! And explain to her that is just what you are!
lilraskels.blotspot.com
Is it something in the air? Our almost 5 year old? (here from Ethiopia last March) took a major turn for the worse today. I just sent him to take a nap and I have plans to send him to bed early if he needs that.
Angela
Mary–I hope your day gets better. You are an amazing mother and I am thankful that you share this part of your life with us. Blessings to you!
Mary, did I write that post?????
Our newbies in the house are 10, 12, & 13. They have done their share of the stomping, and pouting, and making me pay. But we seem to be getting to the other side of these rude demands… thank goodness. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and it will work its way out in awhile. But for goodness sake, don’t freeze yourself to make a point! I am continually consequencing someone, and then kicking myself since it ends up punishing me too. But I’m getting more clever as time goes by!
(I tried to post this on your Owlhaven blog, but I don’t think it went through?)
I know what you’re talking about. It took our daughter a while to translate her wants and needs of Amharic into the more subtle, subjunctive mood of the English language. So rather than (at first) asking, “Do you think you could help me now?” She would say (sounding-but not intentionally, I don’t think), “Mom! Help me, NOW!” And be embarrassed to be corrected in front of her new, English speaking peers. Eventually, through perseverance and time, she has begun to learn the nuances of the English language–AND what is and is NOT acceptable to say to Mom or Dad.
God Bless you!
Jane
Mary, I get a lot of similar “attitude” from my 7.5-yr-old (home from China 2.5 years…). We’re working a lot on respect, too. I think it’s common to (a) kids and (b) older adopted kids… I’m sure you’ll both be fine and things will smooth over. Hang in there!
Roma
Mary-this happens in our house a lot and I asked Gay at AAI about it. She said this is the first time these kids have ever been treated with respect. I’m sure that you ask them to PLEASE do things, but they are not used to doing the same. She says it’s a cultural thing and when it’s pointed out to them they get offended. I have to remind myself EVERY DAY that this is something they have to learn to do.
Sierra
that sounds like the cultural differences regarding eye contact. In our culture, you look a person straight in the eye as a sign of respect and honesty. For many cultures, it is a sign of respect to look at the floor.
Thank you for writing such an honest story. I have been reading your blog for a year and this is the first time I have made a comment. We brought our 3 new children home from Ethiopia in July. Our oldest who we thought was 7 is probably more like 10-12. Your story has been my life almost everyday and some days many times per day for the last 3 months. I am so glad I am not alone and that this is a normal problem. Keep up the real stories so we know our families are not the only ones who are not perfect!
I really hope things improved…I’ve been there, with the children I fostered. So I well understand, it’s like your head knows in their situation is expected, but…your heart years for a different kind of attitude
Really hope the day improved,
Kate