Now that my husband and I are planning an older child adoption, we've found ourselves wondering just how those first days and weeks home with virtual strangers will feel. What is the best way to ease older children into their new family? How can we encourage bonding?

Affection

We've had lots of discussions and have come up with at least a short list of ideas. First of all, as I've discussed regarding younger children, we intend to begin as we will continue. We'll hug and kiss them right from the start, even if it feels a little awkward. Shoulder bumps, tickling, and mini-hugs are part of our plan. Keep it brief and keep it playful, especially if the children seem uneasy with it at first. But establishing a habit of touch will accustom our children to receiving and eventually giving affection.


Jobs

We'll work them into jobs right from the start. Jobs will be small in the first days. Depending on the age of child, maybe it'll be a basket of towels to fold or a bucket of blocks to clean up. I plan to do lots of working alongside them-- both to show them the routine and to give more time for interaction and bonding.

Some folks don't want to have their kids do jobs at first. But waiting to start the 'normal' routine until after the newness has worn off can leave kids thinking their new parents suddenly don't like them anymore. Better to begin the habit of jobs - done together!- right from the start.

Routine

We are a family with a fairly consistent routine, but in the first weeks home with new children, we'll try to be even more boringly predictable than usual. We'll sings songs after breakfast every morning. We'll straighten the house after lunch. We'll play games after dinner. We'll read stories at bedtime.

We're also brainstorming ways to enrich our regular routine with rituals that might be meaningful to new children. For example, every evening at Layla House (our agency's home for waiting children) the children gather together for a sing-along. We occasionally sing at bedtime, and I'm thinking it might be nice to get back into the habit. Maybe our new children will even teach us some of the songs they sing.

One thing that is really exciting to John and me is thinking of what these new ones will bring to our family. Unlike babies who still have so much to learn, these new children have stories to tell and knowledge to contribute right from the start.

We know there'll be tough times. Maybe there'll be days when a fussy baby seems like a breeze comparatively. But we are eager to begin this adventure and will do our best to be up to the challenge wehen the time comes.


For those of you who have brought home older children, what family rituals have your new kids most enjoyed? What other things seemed to help smooth the transition?


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