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After reading this post about parenting powerful children quite a few people were curious to know what consequences I have found to be helpful in encouraging good behavior in children. One of my guiding principles when it comes to consequences is that I need to make the misbehavior more of a pain in the neck than the behavior I want to encourage. One of the easiest ways to make disobedience less rewarding is the give extra work when you spot kids doing what they shouldn’t.
For example, when I’m training kids to fold their own laundry, I first make sure they throughly understand the job and can do it. (Usually by age 5, a child can fold his own laundry if you’re not overly picky about perfect folding.) If your child balks even when you know she is capable of the job, try “rewarding” her disobedience with more work.
For example, if your daughter whines or plays instead of folding her laundry, instead of lecturing or cajoling, simply toss a couple of kitchen towels onto her folding pile. I explain it by saying, “Oh, looks like you need a little more practice at working. You can fold these towels too.”
If a child is unkind to a sibling, along with requiring an apology, I will usually have him/her do a job for the sibling who was offended. If a child is cranky and non-compliant during school time, at our house he will probably end up skipping afternoon movie time or video-game time. Phone time is another thing that can be earned via good behavior.
A child who is sassy to mom will get to pick an extra chore out of the job jar. A half-hour nap or a few “I will respect Mom” sentences can also be good deterrents.
Although it is a good idea to have some standard consequences to use most of the time, I think it is good to stay flexible and mix things up now and then. The other day when a child’s rudeness was getting to me, I declared she could make it up to me by giving me 5 kisses. She was left startled and laughing, and I got 5 kisses out of the deal.
The sooner you can begin, the easier it will be to train your child to obey. But even if your children are used to disobeying, you can train them to respond appropriately with a few weeks of steady consistent training. And yes– consequences every single time they decide to disobey.
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Motivating kids: Setting yourself up for success
Hi Mary,
How do you motivate the kids who refuse to do schoolwork? Two of my Ethio kids (7 and
feel that playing with Barbies or laying under the table, is better than learning to read! No amount of rewards, loss of priviledges, etc, seems to make a difference. Any ideas/suggestions???
Sharon
I make sure my kids know that nothing fun happens til the work is done. NO toys, nothing. Sometimes if kids refuse to work I’ll also give extra work. But I try to keep my attitude low key and laid back. IE– “No problem if you want to sit here all day, if you work, then you can play sooner!”
That is what I do, but it doesn’t seem to phase either one of them! I have not come across any other families who have Ethio kids who have no motivation to learn to read! It can be quite frustrating! They really would rather clean the bathroom and sit in their room all day then learn to read. It has been 17 months since they arrived and they have been taught 5 days a week year round and they still cannot identify all the letters of the alphabet. However, their 4 year old bio brother reads and I thought that would motivate them. I think their plan is that little brother will read FOR THEM!
Sharon — Do you homeschool? Perhaps discussions with teachers in the local school might provide helpful hints? Or maybe joining in a kids’ book discussion group? Something that incorporates a little bit of positive peer pressure in the learning process? Do you find that using Amharic/English stories makes any difference or are they just as resistant to all reading?
Finally, if you haven’t, make sure that you get them tested for any sort of learning disabilities — something that might make learning even more difficult and frustrating for all involved — even if that is a concern, you can find new ways to teach that will address that.
Mary — The times I remember my parents being most successful with punishments were when they were creative and the punishment fit the misdeed (as several of yours seem to). When my sister was a teen, she had a bit of a temper and went through a door-slamming period. My dad told her once to stop, then took the bedroom door off the hinges. That broke the habit!
That is such a logical approach. Thanks for the suggestions!!
- Faith