"Liar, liar, pants on fire," goes the childhood chant.

If you've been a parent for any length of time, chances are you've caught your child in a lie or two. Experts say that lies told by two and three year olds usually aren't 'real' lies-- they're just wishful thinking. Your child wishes she could tell you that she picked up her blocks, and so she says she did, in hopes that saying so will make it true.

You have to judge your child's cognitive ability for yourself. I'm sure there's something to that 'wishful thinking' theory. But I've also seen preschoolers lie purposefully. Usually if a child is doing the latter, you will see uneasiness, whereas a child involved in wishful thinking will tell the lie very cheerfully.

The elementary years are when lying can bloom if you let it. One thing to keep in mind is that lying is often a sign of fear. Fear can have special significance in the life of an adopted child. The knowledge that someone once gave them away can cause a child to struggle with feelings of worthiness. What if they mess up and this set of parents gives them away too? Not all children feel this uncertain, but it is a dynamic to consider if you're having trouble with a child who lies.

Reassurance

If a child has a remembered past with another parent, fear from that past relationship can transfer unconsciously to this new relationship between you and your child. You may be the most reasonable person on earth, but if the child's birth dad beat him every time he broke something, his first inclination is probably going to be to lie when the knob breaks off the banister.

So how do you address that fear? First of all, be sure your kids know you're committed for life, no matter what. And reward truth-telling, even if that means biting your tongue over broken china. I tell my kids that the truth is always better. They'll end up in more trouble lying about the broken glass than they will for actually breaking the glass. Accidents happen, and I don't always keep my cool. But I do try to respond as steadily and predictably as possible.

Breaking the Habit

I also try to short-circuit the habit of lying by giving the child fewer chances to lie. If I witness someone slugging her brother, I don't say, "Did you hit him?" Instead I tell her to apologize and ask her what act of service she is going to do to make up for it. If the child protests, and I sense a denial of the obvious coming on, I'll say, "Wait a second...only let truth come out of your mouth."

Along those same lines, instead of saying, "Did you clean your room?" I'll ask the child if he is ready for inspection. In my experience if fear is not the root of a lie, laziness often is. It's just much easier to tell your mom you've weeded the flower bed than it is to actually do the weeding. If your child knows you will be inspecting the work, they are much more likely to do it-- this trains both honesty AND a good work ethic.