A recent study by the University of Columbia found that 85% of parents believe that it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart. The popular wisdom goes that the more you praise a child, the more self-confident and happy he will be. No one wants their kids to think they’re dumb.

And so we praise kids for the smallest hint of a talent at anything. But does this tactic really make for more confident children? Does it really encourage kids to maximize their potential? As it turns out, no. Some of the most highly intelligent kids are bafflingly lacking in confidence, so much so that they will only try things that they are completely confident that they will be able to do well.

Studies have found that the kids who are the most sure of their own power in the world are not the ones who have received the most praise. No, the most confident kids tend to be the ones who have learned that the key to success is not intelligence, but hard work and persistence.

A story in New York Magazine tells of a study done with fifth graders children who were asked to put together puzzles.

Once the child finished the puzzle, the researchers told each student his score, then gave him a single line of praise. Randomly divided into groups, some were praised for their intelligence. They were told, “You must be smart at this.” Other students were praised for their effort: “You must have worked really hard.”

The students then were allowed to choose a second test, and were told that one was hard and one was easy.

Of those praised for their effort, 90 percent chose the harder set of puzzles. Of those praised for their intelligence, a majority chose the easy test. The “smart” kids took the cop-out. Why did this happen? “When we praise children for their intelligence,” Dweck wrote in her study summary, “we tell them that this is the name of the game: Look smart, don’t risk making mistakes.” And that’s what the fifth-graders had done: They’d chosen to look smart and avoid the risk of being embarrassed.

It turns out that what we should be praising in our children is not native ability, but effort. Even the smart kids know they can’t be smart at everything. But everyone can work hard and get better at skills. People who have learned to attack new experiences bravely and with repetitive effort are more successful in life than the ones who have spent their lives listening to their parents praising their genetic endowment.


“Wow, you’re smart” comments about something that is not under the child’s control.

“Wow, you’re really working hard at that” puts success in a child’s grasp.


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Worth Reading:

The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids (this article was quoted above)

Confidence and Competence (and adopted children)