The other day I came across a post by A New Flower Blooms. In it she shares the idea that international transracial adoption is the 5th best option for children. The idea seems to have come from Jane Brown, a social worker and mom to eight children, five of whom arrived via adoption.

Here's the general idea.
#1 The best option for a child is to live with birth family
#2 Second best is to be raised by extended family.
#3 Third is to be raised by a person of their own race in their own country.
#4 Fourth would be to be raised in own country by a different race person.
#5 Fifth best is to be raised in another country by a person of a different race.

#5? Yeah, that’s my family, and probably most of the adoptive families who read this blog. Tough to take, isn't it? As a mom I like to think that what I am offering my children is grade A, top quality. OK, in bad moments, I’ll give myself a B. But fifth on the list? No way!

When I set my initial reaction aside, I could see the reasoning a little better. Every level of this ranking system except the top rank represents another loss. The child raised in the #2 scenario lost his parents. The #3 child has lost all extended family. The fourth child has lost everything the previous two children have lost, plus he's being raised by someone not racially like himself. The fifth child not only has lost his entire family and the privilege of being raised by someone of the same race, he's also lost his country of origin.

Whether or not we agree with the idea of adoptive transracial families being fifth best, there's no denying the loss involved. It’s heavy stuff.

But I think this ranking system doesn't take enough variables into consideration. Of course not all families of origin can give children good quality care. There are abusive parents. There are mentally ill parents. A child raised without school or enough food or health care in Ethiopia is going to have a much harder life than the average American kid.

Here’s what I keep coming back to. Life is not perfect. Families are not perfect. I think we have to go into adoption with a lot of faith and with our best intentions. Certainly we need to choose ethical international adoption programs and always lobby to give first families the choice they deserve. But once we are convinced that the children involved are truly in need of families, I think we just need to go forward on faith, pledging to give our very best to these children.

I have cried many tears for the losses my children have faced, for the hurt they feel to know they were handed to strangers by the ones who gave them life. Doubtless I will cry many more tears as I shepherd them on to adulthood.

But in the end for me it comes down to Faith. I believe that my God redeems tragedy, that He can overcome sorrow and use it for good. I believe that he can make all things work together for good.

No, in a perfect world adoption would not be necessary. Yes, there is sorrow involved. But the good? It is very, very good.

We have laughed into each other’s eyes, enjoyed shared treats, and savored happy memories of times spent together. We have cheered each other’s accomplishments and soothed each other’s hurts and kissed each other goodnight hundred upon hundreds of times. No, we don’t ‘match’. Yes, our stories involve pain and loss. But numbers on a scale don't quantify what's in our hearts. Neither does skin color or country of origin or DNA.

We are family. What we have may not be perfect, but it's very, very good.

More thoughts about this tough topic:
Talking About Birth Family
Adoption and Poverty
Growing Family: I [don't] believe in adoption
Third Mom: Unranked