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Recently I read a question from a woman feeling pressure to go back to work when her newly arrived 6 month old had been home just 4 weeks, but wondering how it would affect her baby’s attachment to her. I think she is right to be concerned. Of course each family has to make their own choices. But in my opinion if you want to ensure a strong attachment with your child, 4 weeks is much too soon to go back to work, even part time.
I know that some women simply MUST go back to work. But if there is the slightest wiggle-room in your work/ maternity leave situation, I always would opt for the longer maternity leave. It’s about what is optimal for your child.
Kids from orphanages have already had a less-than optimal start at life. They’ve already lost their birthmom. Already spent months in an orphanage. Now they’ve switched to a new caregiver– you– and are trying to decide if you are going to be any more permanent than their other caregivers. They don’t need you to be sometimes here/sometimes not, especially not this early in the game.
Yes, some children will do absolutely fine with a mom who works part time that soon after homecoming, especially if the part-time caregiver gives excellent quality, one-on-one attachment-style care. But some kids will struggle with attachment even under optimal circumstances. And there is NO WAY to know which kind of kid you will get. Repeat– there’s no way to know which kind of kid you have, even after a few weeks home. Some babies do not show any signs of attachment difficulty til they have been home 4 months.
After experiencing one toddler who had attachment issues, I personally would always, ALWAYS err on the side of caution. Stay home as. long. as. possible. Six months is awesome. A year is even better. I know this information may be tough for working moms to hear. I’ll probably hear from lots of moms who swear their kids did great with them working. Wonderful. You were fortunate. But please know that not every working mom is that fortunate.
I also truly understand that some moms simply MUST go back to work. And I will write soon about ways to optimize attachment in that kind of situation. But if you have the slightest bit of opportunity to stay home a few weeks or a few months longer, I would move heaven and earth for it.
I would sell a car, cancel my cable subscription, move to a smaller house, skip my vacation this year, stop eating out, quit buying new clothes, or take out a home-equity loan. Your child deserves the best start possible. His relationship to his momma is THE most important relationship of his entire childhood.
The stronger you make that foundation of attachment in the early months home, the healthier your child will be in the long run, and the more enjoyable the entire parenting experience will be for you for years to come. Good healthy attachment is foundational to everything else.
Bravo, Mary, Bravo!
As prospective adoptive parents, my husband and I agree that our infant should have a full-time parent at home for a minimum of one year. However, we’re leaning toward him staying home. Do you think an infant’s primary attachment has to be to a mom? What if the dad is capable of giving high-quality attachment-style parenting?
Hey, if you have a willing, committed, sensitive dad who is able to stay home, that is AWESOME. Wonderful solution! And like I said, I’ll share soon what working moms can do to help also build a good attachment with the baby.
Mary
I’m not adopted, but I was raised by a stay at home dad. It’s fantastic! I’d loved that I had a dad who was way involved in our upbringing. I knew some kids growing up who referred to their dad watching them as “babysitting”, that is just wrong in my opinion. Dad’s should have a chance to be hands on parents too. Good luck with Dad staying home, I think it will work out fantastically!!