I say pie. She says cake. Dealing with oppositional kids

Sometimes kids can go through spells when all they seem to want to do is argue. You say a movie was fun, and he says, ‘I didn’t like it.’ You admire your daughter’s hat and she abruptly decides not to wear it.

When kids get on an oppositional kick, it can get so wearing that it is hard to know how to respond. The other day one of my daughters was having one of those days. I was getting ready to bake some pumpkin pie, and thought she’d be pleased.

“No pie,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “I want cake.”

I was disappointed that she didn’t seem pleased about the pie. She’d loved it the first time I’d made it. With an effort, I decided not to take the bait, and didn’t say anything more than ‘hmm’. But I was irritated.

After a while of thinking over it, I had an idea that might just turn that mood around. A little later when she and I were out running errands, I said, “You know, if you want cake, you can make it yourself.”

“Really?” she said, looking interested.

“Sure, what kind of cake do you like?”

We talked about the various kinds of cake she could make, and later that day when we got home, I walked her through the steps of baking a cake. She chattered delightedly as we worked, and seemed to have a real sense of accomplishment when the cake turned out well.

I’m not always able to resist arguing with a kid wallowing in negativity. Often I fall into the trap of thinking that I need to address rudeness or sassiness instantly. But if I can remember to disengage when the negativity starts and take time to think about my response, I am almost always a more effective parent. Even a rebuke is better heard when not spoken in the heat of the moment. And every now and then that extra bit of time to think gives birth to a really excellent solution.

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