I wrote earlier about adoptees and the possibility for lifelong grief issues. There may be a lull of 6 months or a year where they don't ask any questions or mention their birth family. Then they may think about it lots for several months, and ask lots of questions. But not all children ask questions spontaneously.

Be aware of your own feelings.

Often I hear parents say that their kids aren't interested in talking about birth family or their feelings about being adopted. For some children that may actually be true. But many children will be relieved if parents open doors by asking questions and making it clear that it is okay to talk and question and share sadness.

Adoptive parents can be unwilling to broach the subject of loss. It is painful to think of your child in pain, and it can seem silly to bring up an issue when the child is not mentioning it himself. The problem is, our children are often very sensitive to a parent's unwillingness to talk about certain topics.

Talk about birth family yourself.

I've read that even kids who do not mention birth family are thinking of them at times. With my own children I make sure to bring up issues and possible feelings at least a few times a year. When a child shows some skill, I will say, "I wonder if your birth mom was good at that too?" Or I will compliment some physical feature my child has and wonder aloud if his birth father also shares that trait.

Ask questions about your child's feelings.

Often on a child's birthday I will say something like, "I bet your birth mom is thinking about you today." I will talk about how she must have been sad to not be able to raise the child, and I will ask the child if he feels sad about it sometimes too.

Make adoption talk a normal part of life.

I don't dwell on the topic of loss endlessly, and if my children do not pick up on a conversation and run with it, I let it drop. Sometimes bringing up a topic is enough. That way a child knows the topic is not scary, and knows that I welcome hearing their feelings about their past. I think that if I talk about negative feelings about adoption from time to time myself, it also normalizes it for me. It can be healing for a child to hear a parent acknowledge that adoption is not perfect, and that there is pain involved.

The important thing, really, is to make sure our kids know that we're not afraid to hear their negative emotions. In most case, negative feelings are not a rejection of the adoptive family, but simply a symptom of the loss that children sustain when they are not able to be raised by their birth family.

The more supportive we are to our kids as they face and work through that loss, the better they will be able to cope. So let's keep those lines of communication open!


Related links:
Accepting that grief can last a lifetime
New arrivals and griefAdult adoptees and grief