How to balance nurturing your child and your relationship

(This post was submitted as part of the Adoption Roundup over at Adventures in Daily Living. This week’s theme is attachment)

After a new child comes home it can be tricky to figure out how to nurture both the new relationship with your child and the existing relationship with your partner. People these days tend to think that going out on dates with your spouse is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Our society also places a tremendously high value on independent children.

Because of that, new moms sometimes feel pressured to have time away from their newly arrived babies and toddlers, even if their guts are screaming that the child isn’t ready. Especially with newly adopted children, it is crucial to remember the foundational importance of attachment.

I believe really strongly in mother’s instincts. I think that we moms subconsciously notice a whole array of things about our children that we may not even be able to verbalize, but that help us form our opinions about their abilities and needs.

I personally have found that when my kids are ready to be away from me, my anxiety about leaving them diminishes. My adopted kids all came home between 4 and 20 months, and it took me a year or more each time before I left them. I believe that if mom is feeling highly anxious about leaving her child, then the child probably is not ready yet.

So what about dates? Certainly some children are confortable enough fairly soon after homecoming that mom and dad could go out for an hour or two without harm. If you can pull off a date now and then without causing terror and regression to your baby, then go for it. But if a couple hours away causes your newly arrived child to regress and act insecure for days afterwards, consider nurturing your relationship with your partner in other ways for awhile.

Chat late at night. Plan a special candlelit dinner on the patio after your child is in bed. Talk in the morning over coffee while Baby Einstein plays. Taking time to text-message each other during the day. Kiss long and passionately on homecoming despite the one year old standing on the floor between your knees.

There is nothing particularly magical about a ‘date’, despite what popular culture tells us. The important thing is the connection. And it is possible to nurture the connection between mom and dad AND the connection to your newly arrived child. In time, dating can make a comeback. But if you don’t yet feel peace about leaving your newly arrived little one, don’t feel guilty about waiting until your child is ready.

Related Links

What do newly arrived children really need?
How long does true attachment take?

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