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I am loving all the great comments on my Grocery Store post. Thanks, everyone! The following comment in particular got me thinking more deeply.
I’ve often thought that if/when I adopt kids… I’d like to adopt a sibling set if at all possible. The way I see it, I think the “Are they ‘real’ brothers?” questions is a natural segue into discussing the availability and feasibility of adopting sibling sets, etc. That’s probably not casual grocery store conversation, but I can easily imagine that such a question comes from a better place than you may realize.
I think this commenter is right. And though I didn’t express it in my post, I do understand that most people aren’t aiming for rudeness when they ask the ‘brothers’ question.
I find it extremely challenging, however, to be a strong adoption advocate while still keeping my kids best interests as my highest priority. If I give people the details they’re requesting, I am infringing on my kids’ rights to privacy. Maybe not a huge deal with my one year old, but a much bigger issue for my very sensitive 8 year old.
We get the ‘are they brothers?’ question once or twice a week. Honestly, it is my LEAST favorite question because it is so awkward. I feel strongly it is not in my kids best interests to constantly hear,’no, they’re not (bio) brothers.’ So I have tried a variety of different comments besides the ones I mentioned in my previous post.
I sometimes say, “They were born to different birthmoms, but God knew from the start that they were brothers.”
When I am really tired, I simply say, “Yes!” with a big smile. People think they’re getting their question answered. My kids are validated. And if I am lucky, the questioner will drop it there.
I have heard of other people saying, “X was born in Chicago and Y was born in Texas,” thus (hopefully) answering the question without outright denying the brotherly relationship. But truly, even that is giving more info than the casual stranger needs to know in the grocery store.
Another way to handle it is to simply say, “Why do you ask?” This effectively separates the just-nosy group from the interested-in-adoption group. The nosy ones will hopefully realize they are being nosy, get embarrassed, and back off. The ones who want to ask about adoption will have their opening to ask further question.
A final idea is to tell the person you’d love to talk about adoption and that you’ll contact them at a more convenient time if they’ll give you their phone number or email address. This allows you to pick a time when your child does not have to be at once a captive audience and a display model!
Or if you’d rather not deal with the person further yourself, you can give the people your agency’s business card and website. Some people carry extra agency business cards for that very reason.
Whatever approach you decide upon, it is good to realize that as a multiracial family you WILL be getting questions. So think about some responses you feel most comfortable with and that will also allow you to be a strong advocate for your child. And if you’ve got better answers than the ones I’ve shared, I’d love to hear ‘em!
