One of the things that often happens after the arrival of a child is something adoptive parents sometimes feel too ashamed to admit. At some point or another, days or weeks or even months after your child arrives, you just might find yourself grieving.

Sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint just what is triggering grief. But many folks realize that what is going on is that they are grieving their old lives. Adoptive parents invest so very much in getting these precious children into their homes that it can be hard to face those less-than-lovely thoughts.

Sometimes it can point out a bit of selfishness that you don't really want to face. You might even catch yourself wondering (either fleetingly or insistently) if you made a mistake in bringing this new child into your family.

Those types of thoughts can cause terrible guilt. But remember, bringing a new child into a family is a huge thing. A few months ago you could probably sleep all night. You had more leisure time. You had more time to devote to the rest of your family. Now instead of spending your free time dreaming about a cherub who will fall into your arms and be happy forever, you may be dealing with giardia and frequent night waking and tantrums and food issues. To top it all off, you may just have gotten a kid who goes rigid every time you try to hug him. No wonder you're grieving.

Grieving happens to every type of parent raising every type of family: newbies and veterans, those adopting infants and those adopting 8 year olds. It is especially prevalent in parents whose kids are resisting bonding.

Be sure to do some reading about attachment, and work hard on helping your child bond. But also be aware that post-adoption depression is a real phenomenon. If you are struggling with your moods for weeks on end, talk to a counselor. Some adoptive moms have also found that short-term use of antidepressants was a real blessing during a difficult adjustment period.

Probably the most important thing to do, though, is just to realize that your feelings are normal. You are not alone. You are not a terrible person. Forgive yourself. Within a few weeks you'll be feeling better. And chances are excellent that a year from now you won't be able to imagine life without your new child.