e-mail
One of the things that often happens after the arrival of a child is something adoptive parents sometimes feel too ashamed to admit. At some point or another, days or weeks or even months after your child arrives, you just might find yourself grieving.
Sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint just what is triggering grief. But many folks realize that what is going on is that they are grieving their old lives. Adoptive parents invest so very much in getting these precious children into their homes that it can be hard to face those less-than-lovely thoughts.
Sometimes it can point out a bit of selfishness that you don’t really want to face. You might even catch yourself wondering (either fleetingly or insistently) if you made a mistake in bringing this new child into your family.
Those types of thoughts can cause terrible guilt. But remember, bringing a new child into a family is a huge thing. A few months ago you could probably sleep all night. You had more leisure time. You had more time to devote to the rest of your family. Now instead of spending your free time dreaming about a cherub who will fall into your arms and be happy forever, you may be dealing with giardia and frequent night waking and tantrums and food issues. To top it all off, you may just have gotten a kid who goes rigid every time you try to hug him. No wonder you’re grieving.
Grieving happens to every type of parent raising every type of family: newbies and veterans, those adopting infants and those adopting 8 year olds. It is especially prevalent in parents whose kids are resisting bonding.
Be sure to do some reading about attachment, and work hard on helping your child bond. But also be aware that post-adoption depression is a real phenomenon. If you are struggling with your moods for weeks on end, talk to a counselor. Some adoptive moms have also found that short-term use of antidepressants was a real blessing during a difficult adjustment period.
Probably the most important thing to do, though, is just to realize that your feelings are normal. You are not alone. You are not a terrible person. Forgive yourself. Within a few weeks you’ll be feeling better. And chances are excellent that a year from now you won’t be able to imagine life without your new child.
Thanks again for talking about the “stuff” noone talks about. Mostly adoption talk is all rainbows and hugs, thanks for keeping our feet on the ground.
Thank you Mary for writing about this. I definitely worked through this with the birth of my 2nd child. With the terrors of severe reflux I had to make a very concentrated effort to AP him. The adjustment to the new normal does come… along with the “fuzzy love” feelings. Now life is very normal and sweet. Because of what I experienced with my 2nd born I feel better prepared in bringing home our 3rd. Knowing that it will come and how to parent through it is a good thing.
Sandra has touched on this before, but the thing that comes to mind is how parenting the adopted child requires more directed efforts on the part of the adoptive parent.
Even if a newborn is coming home, the adoptive mom is operating without benefit of the maternal hormones that come with birth, while the birth mother has benefit of the hormones with no baby to love on.
Agree with coffeebunny, thanks for addressing the hard stuff, it’s surely not all rainbows and butterflies!
Great post – wish I had read it three months ago when my kids felt home, and I felt like a horrible person for feeling like maybe I hadn’t done the right thing for our family. Happily, I have since changed my mind!
*sorry* I meant to write “when my kids CAME home.” It’s been a long day.
Jennifer, it’s only just past noon! maybe a nap?
I have had a downer after a new son comes home. Its a combination of longing for the simpler life of the family just before placement, and the stress of living with a new and somewhat unknown child and wanting so badly for everything to go right.
We have a family tradition, before I start the trip to bring home a new child, all of us have a really nice dinner at a fancy resturant. We are saying goodbye to the family that has existed and hello to a new and different family. It seems to help all of us. John
Right there with you all. My new little darlin’ is really pulling out all the stops, and I didn’t actually even go looking for another placement … she found me. So I’m adjusting to this happening fast, adjusting to the impact it is having on previously “only” daughter whose life was easy, and going back into therapeutic parenting in a big way but as a tired, aged mom. So Mary, this post was excellent! Thanks!
Thanks, Mary. I just very recently came out of the valley of doubt and depression. It’s always nice to hear that others (even veterans!!) have been there and come out stronger and better and more in love with their little ones.
I like to refer to it as “getting back to our New normal”. Pretty soon – could be days, weeks or months. The “old” life will fade, and right here, right now will feel like it’s always been – that’s when I know we’ve reached our new normal.
Sunbonnet – I live in Germany – my kids were already in bed when I posted!
But somedays, the day does feel long by noon…..
oh Jennifer, now you’ve got me laughing. you means everyone does not live in KS?
i have experienced this with the births of both my daughters and i fully expect it post-adoption. sometimes just not being surprised by your feelings is all you need to work through them! i know i don’t love upheaval, so i can prepare myself for feeling “icky” during the biggest part of the change. thanks for the great post.