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I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what parts were the hardest during our first months home with older children. A friend told my husband, “Well, of course you’re tired– you just had twins! They’re just 9 and 12.” I really appreciated that validation — no wonder I’d been feeling so frazzled.
For us, the first month wasn’t too tough. I was fresh, psyched to give the kids some leeway when it came to behavior, and their ups and downs weren’t as extreme. But by the time month two and month three rolled around, the kids weren’t trying to impress us anymore, and their emotions were all over the place as they grieved. I was starting to get worn down.
You’ve probably heard the saying that a mother can never be happier than her least happy child. This was so very true for me in those first months. I was so invested in helping them settle into their new life that each time one of them would go into a pit of unhappiness, I would go right down there with them. Yeah, I was trying to pull them back up, but in the process I was also feeling great emotional pain.
They’d usually bob back up after half a day or so– they are resilient children who truly WANT to be happy. But when one would bob back up, the other would take that as the cue that it was now her turn to descend into the pit, pulling poor tired mom right along. I just could not figure out how to support them without feeling great emotional stress myself.
Even at night I would find myself dreaming about the girls. My husband told me I talked in my sleep, and I know that my restless sleep did not help my mood during the day.
I was also beginning to feel less tolerant of the various behaviors that I wouldn’t allow with my other children. Disrespect, stomping off, pouting… I wanted it all to quit. Even though I’d read in a dozen places (and written it a dozen times myself!) that child can take 6 months or more to settle in, there was still this clock in my head.
A kid would go into a funk because I asked her to shower, or wash a couple pots, and I’d think, why aren’t they used to the routine by now? I was psyched for the girls to be grieving for birth family still. But I truly did not expect grief to so often come out sideways looking like anger or rebellion.
At three months when the girls were feeling so unhappy, I had to consciously make myself refocus on a point further down the road. I told myself that if we could just get through Christmas time, then maybe things would be settling down and they would be happier. Just survive today, I told myself many times. I didn’t want to wish my life away, but at that point getting through each day took all my attention.
When things started getting easier just a few weeks later, it was a huge relief. Now things are truly settling down. We are having so many good times, and the sad moments are just that — moments. Not hours. Just this morning one of the kids was unkind to a sibling, and I sent her off to do a 5-minute job instead of playing. A month or two ago that would have resulted in a half-day pout. This time she stomped off, but was fine 20 minutes later. Their reactions are much more proportional these days, more normal.
The truth is, they are normal. They are sweet, smart, basically happy kids who endured several years of utter turmoil and sadness in their lives. Now we’ve gotten through some of the tough stuff, and every day we see more of the ‘normal’ and less of the grief. I’m sure there’s still more tough stuff to come. But each smile, and each shared joke, and each moment of ‘normal’ family time strengthens the bond between us. And after the choppy water of the past few months, it is also a cause for rejoicing.
In another post I’ll write about some of the things that seemed to help most during the early months.
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I have so appreciated your honesty, and sharing real life of an older adoption. I often find myself chuckling as I read, because many times it seems like you are describing my 12 year old daughter – NOT adopted. My encouragement for you today is to remember how moody girls can be around this age. So not only are your new girls adjusting to a new family, a new country, they are overwhelmed with hormones! I continuously have to say “This too will pass, this too will pass.”
I know I have been commenting a lot lately, but I can’t get over the similarities! Is this just older Ethiopian kids or is this true of any country? You have been writing like you can see my own life. The all day pouts over little things, my emotions following which ever child was having a hard time, etc. I kept telling myself don’t even think until we get through the 1st year. Many days I “survived” by thinking just do the next thing, don’t think any farther than that, and yet the days now look completely different. SO much better! Your post have been so comforting. Thank you!
I have been thinking about your “3 month window” comments. My new kiddo, Dora, has been here 3.5 months. JUST TWO DAYS AGO she had a great therapy session and purged much pain and made a significant step towards me. I’ll be blogging about it shortly. We have much work still to do, but I, too, think we are finally heading in the right direction. Fortunately, I have lived so long with an unhappy kid that I don’t get sucked into the pit, but I sure do get tired of the anger and grief spewing all over everyone else. Right there with you, Mary.