Dealing with resistance, doling out consequences

Almost every parent has to come up with consequences when kids do not cooperate, and parents of newly arrived children are no exception. During the first couple months of homeschooling this year, we’ve dealt with our fair share of attitudes and non-compliance during school time, enough that my 15 year old son sagely observed, “The honeymoon ends a lot quicker when you’re homeschooling, doesn’t it?”

No kidding.

It is only natural that kids will test the limits in a new situation. That’s what kids do. We are still working out the kinks in our own situation, and I am in no way implying that we have it all figured out. But here are some things that I’ve found are helpful in encouraging good behavior from new children.

1. Decide very carefully what you are going to ask your child to do. Some things aren’t worth the fight. But if you’ve decided that this is an important issue, be prepared to go the distance to make sure the child obeys. Sometimes you can ease a child into obeying by making your request and then walking away as if you have all the confidence in the world that the child will make the right choice. But keep your eyes open and do have a plan for what you will do if the child refuses.

2. Consider your consequences carefully and make sure you can live with what they will cost you. For example, if you warn a child that he can’t go someplace if he is sassy to you, are you willing to skip the outing to stay home with him? Or if you send a child to his room for half an hour, are you OK with sitting in the hall playing jailor to make sure he stays put for that half hour?

3. Although sometimes you need your child to obey immediately, at other times it works to ‘wait out’ your child’s resistance. I’ll often say something like, “No problem if you don’t want to do your math now. But you’ll need to sit there until you get it done.” Often a half an hour of sulking ends in the child deciding to jump in and get the job done.

4. Be aware of what is important to your child. At our house kids miss out on afternoon video/TV time if they don’t get their school work done in time. Another consequence that I’ve found to be pretty effective is an early bedtime. Usually each offense is worth 15 minutes of extra rest–extreme rudeness may gain a kid an extra hour of sleep time. I tell my kids I want them to be well-rested so they’ll be strong enough to do what’s right.

5. Of course you should balance out the consequences with plenty of hugs, smiling eyes, encouragement, games, and positive strokes. But don’t be afraid to give children consequences for obvious misbehavior. Kids feel safer knowing where the boundaries are, whether they seem happy about them or not. And the faster they learn the limits in your house, the happier everyone will be.

Related link: What newly arrived children need

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.