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While browsing around adoptionblogs.com this morning, I can across this post by Lauri, talking about her discomfort over leaving her newly arrived daughter, and the pressure she was facing from family to leave her.
I believe really strongly in mother’s instincts. I think that we moms subconsciously notice a whole array of things about our children that we may not even be able to verbalize, but that help us form our opinions about their abilities and needs.
I personally have found that when my kids are ready to be away from me, my anxiety about leaving them diminishes. My adopted kids all came home between 4 and 20 months, and it took me a year or more each time before I left them.
Our society places a tremendously high value on independence, and because of that, I think we sometimes push our little children into independence before they are ready. Especially with newly adopted children, this can cause real problems. Attachment is SOOOO important and crucial– why risk it?
I believe that if mom is feeling highly anxious about leaving her child, then the child probably is not ready yet. In the above case, the child has only been home since spring, and is a toddler. Half a year is a really short time.
I suggested to this mom that maybe she could reassess her and her daughter’s readiness sometime after the new year, aiming to resume dating sometime after that. She should also use the time between now and then to help her daughter become better acquainted with whoever it is who will be caring for her. Whoever she stays with should be someone very familiar. I would not push her to stay with anyone til she is very comfy with them.
Finally I want to make a point about the common practice of ‘dating’ your spouse. I know that this is counter to popular wisdom, but I believe that ‘date nights’ are not absolutely essential to a happy marriage. Sure, they’re delightful– especially if you can pull them off without causing terror and regression to your baby. But if a couple hours away causes your newly arrived child to regress and act insecure for days afterwards, is it really truly worth it? I don’t think so.
You can nurture your relationship in dozens of other, equally effective ways. Chatting late at night. Planning a special candlelit dinner on the patio after your child is in bed. Talking in the morning over coffee while Baby Einstein plays. Taking time to text-message each other half a dozen times during the day. Kissing long and passionately on homecoming despite the one year old standing on the floor between your knees.
There is nothing particularly magical about a ‘date’, despite what popular culture tells us. The important thing is the connection. And it is possible to nurture the connection between mom and dad AND the connection to your newly arrived child. In time, dating can make a comeback. But if you don’t yet feel peace about leaving your newly arrived little one, don’t feel guilty about waiting until your child is ready.
I love this post. Thanks Mary
Thanks again for the support…. I agree that trusting my instincts about not leaving her yet is the way to go. Thanks for the Great tips on how to connect with your mate without an offical date night
Thanks from me too, Mary. We have been thinking about how our “connecting” routines will be affected once our two little ones are home; your thoughts are so helpful!
~Sonya
It’s very true (I speak from experience!) that dates can get put on the back burner for a period of time. Although I think my husband would disagree with the idea that we can connect equally as well with a house full of kids around, who seem to never sleep!!!
But what shouldn’t be neglected is mom’s ability to pay a little attention to her own needs once in a while. Moms shouldn’t feel they are threatening their child’s attachment if they sneak away for some “me time” every once in a while, whether this is a date or something else enjoyable. Attachment work (especially with an older child) can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Sometimes stepping away for an hour to recharge will help you better take care of a very needy child. I’m not talking about a two week trip to Europe, or anything like that. Just an occassional hour or two away from your child. I could be wrong, but I don’t think this will adversely affect the big picture of attachment – and may actually help it if it helps you better sustain the intense parenting that attachment demands. Likewise, if having a date with your spouse helps you meet the needs of your family, then I do think it’s worth doing, provided your child is reasonably well adjusted and is left with a person they feel comfortable with.
I think your advice to trust your instincts is right on – and I also agree that it’s really not worth venturing out if you will only be miserable with worry. But sometimes I think a lot of new moms feel guilty about taking care of themselves or their marriages. It is almost always the case that separating from the baby is harder on mom than it is on the baby! Equally important is helping the child understand that mom will come back. This can be a very difficult process regardless of whether a child had been home for two months or two years. It isn’t going to feel good leaving your child for the first few times, no matter how ready you both are – and that’s a positive thing – it means you’re a mom
Melinda
(who unfortunately hasn’t been on a “date” for a very long time!)
Melinda– Great point about attachment work being very draining for mom, esp if a child is resisting initially. If a mom gets to that ‘going-looney’ point, sometimes an hour or two break is essential…whether or not it further stresses the child.
Mary
Mary I so agree about the date night thing! Kevin and I always joke about how “boring” we are. We don’t go on dates all that often, and personally I think we’re pretty happy people! One of our favorite things to do together that we do every once in awhile is, feed the kids dinner, get them to bed, and have Chinese food delivered! We sit on the couch and eat and watch something on TV, chat, whatever.
The only people who ever watch our kids are my parents, who live an hour away, so we are pretty self-sufficient. I’m actually thankful for this, and thankful that we don’t have to go spend a bunch of money and time away from the kids to connect and have a great relationship! We love the simple things!
I too find the whole “date” thing a bit strange! I got married so I could stop dating!!
Sneaking kisses in the laundry room, chatting late at night, reading books together, all of these work just as well for us. We also occassional have some time together during the day which is nice. We have no family here and have to pay for babysitting, so its very, very rare that we are out in the evening on a “date.”