Adoptive parents tend to request girls. That’s a simple fact. So much so that recently when I got an email from a future adoptive mom saying she and her husband would prefer a boy, I tried to remember when I’d last heard that. Sure, there are plenty of families open to children of either sex, but the majority of people who state a preference prefer a girl. This is both according to my informal experience and according to statistics.
My husband and I did it ourselves with both our Ethiopia adoptions so far. We’d had four boys in a row at that point and were eager to have little girls again. And frankly, one of the nice things about adoption is that you CAN choose.
But lately we’ve been thinking boy. We don’t plan to state a preference. And who knows, when we get to the top of the list, there may very well be a sibling group of two girls assigned to us. But we’re assuming we’ll get at least one boy, maybe two. In fact, at the moment we have three boy names on our list of possibilities and zero girl names.
I’m looking forward to it. When I see little Black boys these days, I’ve been resisting the urge to pet their cute little buzz-cut heads, and I’ve been imagining giving some of those little buzz-cuts on African hair myself.
But there’s more to raising a Black boy than being able to give a good buzz cut. There is prejudice in this world, and sadly that prejudice is much more directed against Black boys than against Black girls. Amanda of Mayhem and Magic is the mother of two African-American boys, and wrote about this issue a couple months ago.
Right now, my kids are “cute little Black babies.” Among white people they are sometimes seen as a novelty. I have heard, “Oh, Black babies/kids are so CUTE!” way too many times. I’m hearing that less now, and I’m sure that particular comment will taper off completely by the time the boys are preteens.
Black babies may be cute, but Black teenage boys are thuggish, threatening, potentially violent gang members.
Possibly, when they are with us (their white parents), they may get a “pass.” They could be granted honorary whiteness because they belong with us, despite their Blackness. When they are on their own, or with other Black boys… All bets are off.
I don’t think I’m being overly dramatic about this. Have you heard what happens to Black men who cross the paths of arrogant white men with power?
In our mostly white community, our Black daughters have been accepted very well. I hope that it is also the case with our Black sons, even when they get older. But, like Amanda, I am preparing for the possibility that people will not be so accepting. Amanda’s post is worth reading, whether you are the parent of a Black boy or just a person trying to live thoughtfully.
I have heard people criticize transrational adoption on this point. The argument goes that black boys raised by white folks tend not to have the skills to deal with racists and can run into trouble in a world that sees black men as a threat.
It is tricky. And I think that it is a reason for adoptive paretnsto search out diverse communities and make sure that kids have role models that look like them and can guide them in dealing with a world that is still not color-blind.
As I’m starting to figure out my paperwork, I’m caught on the gender issue. I’d like to say I don’t care….because *I* don’t care. I’m not only white, I’m a single woman. The question for me isn’t if I care, but if I can do the best job possible for these kids — and I wonder if maybe I won’t be a bit better-equipped to do that for girls.
It’s a very tough issue and one that raises a lot of questions. Thanks for the link.
Ugh. This one really weighs on me. Like the previous commenter, *I* don’t have a preference for either gender – I feel truly neutral, and I like the idea of remaining open to whatever child is right for me.
But I know that, in the very white world in which I live, black male teens and black men are definitely seen as more threatening than black female teens and women. Seems things would be easier for a girl than a boy… and it seems like I could (perhaps?) over my head in trying to prepare a black boy for the racism that he will encounter.
Would I be crippling my black son in that way, even if I had the best of intentions? I think it’s possible, and it keeps me up at night.
Haven’t yet reached the point where I have to officially request gender (or not), and it’s probably the last big question for me.
I love Amanda’s site…she has great advice and insight. As the mother of a black son, I worry about how the rest of the world will see him/treat him. I also have a black daugther and know that she will have challenges too, but different ones. When people are cooing over my now cute 2 year old son, I have a little voice in the back of my mind that thinks “you would cross the street if you saw him coming in 15 years…”.
There was a really, really great series of articles in the Washington Post called Being a Black Man. It helped me understand A LOT ( here is the link http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/metro/interactives/blackmen/blackmen.html ).
We didn’t request gender either time and got one of each. I think that next time we will do the same, but I have to say that I LOVE the idea of raising a black man that will be a credit to both of his families. We can change that stereotype one man at a time, right?
When we were adoptoing our daughter, we had a long talk w/ our social worker about how black girls in white homes have a harder time socially when they are older. Black men can date black or white women, but white men don’t tend to date black women as much… they told us to prepare for her to be “too black” for white men and not “black enough” for black men…… and our SW was from PACT, so I assume they know what they are talking about….
Has anyone else heard this?
Also, if anyone saw the episode of 30 Rock last week, with Wayne Brady, you can see how they poke fun of a few of the typical black man sterotypes. It was done really well. At one point, the main character (a white woman) wants to break up wtih a black man because she just doesn’t like him… and there is a very funny play on the MLK Dream speech. It was very funny and very on target.
Be sure to check out the little video called “what is a black man?” on that Washington Post sight. Very good stuff!!
This deffinitly makes sense to me. I get the oohs and ahhs about what a cute baby we have from the very same people who made negative comments about black men before we brought our son home.
I worry about what the future will hold for my son when he is grown and out there alone. We are trying to teach him to be polite, confident, but also wary. He needs to understand that even if it is unfair, racism happens and he has to carefully consider how to handle himself. He will need to know how to gage each situation so he also comes out safely. It is tough since that has not been our white experience, that is where his birthfather and our black male friends come in to help us out. Thank God for the support of community!
Thanks for the great link! I always love to hear from others out there who are making the ah-ha connection and hearing how they accept and handle the challenge.
Mary, I hope to adopt 2 boys from Ehtiopia and have been considering this very carefully as well. I would love some advice/perspective about raising HIV+ black sons. This info seems hard to come by. I agree that the only way we can fight these problems is one person at a time, and look within ourselves and defeat the racism that lingers there as well. I am so glad to hear that you are adopting again. I have made myself stop reading blogs about adoption every day (it makes the wait harder for me) and just learned of your news. I will look forward to reading all about it!
I have absolutely no experience in this issue, but it is definitely an important one.
I do know, however, that one must be proactive in the parenting and educational aspects of raising a child in an interracial family. One must seek out the necessary support groups and research to prepare not only themselves, but their child.
As a white male, I can honestly say that I know not what it feels like to be racially discriminated against. I do know how it feels to be misjudged, however, based on looks (tatoos, bald, etc.).
My wife and I decided on Ethiopia for a number of reasons. One of which was the fact that we feel we are capable to handle and prepared to meet the challenges of such an adoption.
Very good food for thought. I think about these things often, how we will prepare our sons to be Black men. You’re right, I think it’s very different from raising up a Black daughter. I hope and pray God will give us the wisdom to do this!!!