I have wondered how it would feel to bring older children into our home-- how long it would take for them not to be strangers. Would they smell different? Would they charm me immediately or would acting loving be simply a decision for awhile? Many adoptive parents discover to their surprise that love does not come instantly-- I had faced this dilemma once myself and know it is a normal thing, and one that can be overcome. And yet it feels so much better when you fall in love right away.

The first time I saw the girls was amazing. Our coming together was emotional and warm and felt so right. I was so glad to finally be able to hug them and tell them they had a mom again and to give them clothes and goodies and listen as they pointed out their various friends.


They didn’t smell immediately familiar to me-- some of my adopted kids have and some haven’t. But it was a nice unfamiliarity, a smell that makes me want to nuzzle their necks and kiss them just one more time as I tuck them in at night.

Within hours of meeting, they were charming us with their humor and their obvious intelligence -- and also with the concern and caring they showed for each other. Within days I felt as bonded to them as any of my other children. And yet there is a strangeness too, a knowledge that there is still so much to discover before I can truly come to know them well.

Now that they have been home a month, they are a little more known, a little more predictable. However, a bit of the strangers-in-the-house feeling remains. The other kids were on their company behavior for about a week. For a couple weeks the 'new' kids and the 'old' kids didn’t fight with each other. But now they pretty much let it all hang out. In the last week or two, the mingling has also extended to fighting, which is a mite disappointing, I must say. I am trying to remind myself that this is normal, but there were definitely advantages to the polite stage.

John and I still don’t feel totally casual. So much about them is familiar now. They are precious children and it is wonderful to have already created some history together now. But I think John and I both still tend to analyze our own actions and wonder, how will that seem to them? What will she think if we…..? Sometimes I look at the clutter in the house and think, I am so disorganized.

And yet there are really good things about the lack of ‘ease’. We are very conscious and very self-controlled about our parenting. For example, we are less likely to growl when things don't go quite right, which is a very good thing. Each new child in a way feels like a fresh start. And starting with older, aware children intensifies that feeling. Here we have a chance to be seen through new eyes -- to be a better version of ourselves. It has been good. Good for our entire family and not just our new girls. We are blessed.

Also of interest:

Post Adoption Depression

What newly arrived children need