Each time we have brought a new child into our family, I've been very eager to begin the attachment process 'right' and to do everything in my power to help our children attach quickly. With our little ones I usually felt that some progress could be seen fairly quickly.

With our older girls I knew in my head that attachment would take time to grow. But in the first couple months after they came home I still felt a ton of pressure to do things right. I was constantly assessing my tactics. During a movie should I sit right next to a child on the couch, or give her half a couch cushion of space and just pat her on the leg now and then? Have I been hugging them enough? Too much? Listening sensitively enough? Always I felt pressure to do things better so that the attachment would happen more quickly.

Now after months of living with my girls and listening to them talk about their past life, I've gotten a better understanding of the grieving they are doing. I've come to realize that this process really is going to take time. Not weeks, but many months, maybe even years.

We're making progress. I've been recently delighted at the quirks in them that make me chuckle fondly, at the pleasure I have in seeing them smile, and I've seen signs that they feel the same way about me.

But this bonding thing is not like super-gluing a coffee mug back together. It is more like waiting for a tree to fruit. Yes, in a way it is daunting to think that it could take years for the girls to fully embrace me as their mother. But it has also felt freeing.

I've come to realize that it is OK to mother them as myself, in the way that feels natural to me, instead of as this hyper-paranoid person who is always second-guessing herself. Come to think of it, that comfort with myself might help my kids become comfortable with me more quickly too. And it will certainly be more sustainable as we wait for our family tree to grow.

Related links
Bringing older kids home: how it feels
How tradition fosters attachment

(Photo credit: Mary Owlhaven)