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Each time we have brought a new child into our family, I’ve been very eager to begin the attachment process ‘right’ and to do everything in my power to help our children attach quickly. With our little ones I usually felt that some progress could be seen fairly quickly.
With our older girls I knew in my head that attachment would take time to grow. But in the first couple months after they came home I still felt a ton of pressure to do things right. I was constantly assessing my tactics. During a movie should I sit right next to a child on the couch, or give her half a couch cushion of space and just pat her on the leg now and then? Have I been hugging them enough? Too much? Listening sensitively enough? Always I felt pressure to do things better so that the attachment would happen more quickly.
Now after months of living with my girls and listening to them talk about their past life, I’ve gotten a better understanding of the grieving they are doing. I’ve come to realize that this process really is going to take time. Not weeks, but many months, maybe even years.
We’re making progress. I’ve been recently delighted at the quirks in them that make me chuckle fondly, at the pleasure I have in seeing them smile, and I’ve seen signs that they feel the same way about me.
But this bonding thing is not like super-gluing a coffee mug back together. It is more like waiting for a tree to fruit. Yes, in a way it is daunting to think that it could take years for the girls to fully embrace me as their mother. But it has also felt freeing.
I’ve come to realize that it is OK to mother them as myself, in the way that feels natural to me, instead of as this hyper-paranoid person who is always second-guessing herself. Come to think of it, that comfort with myself might help my kids become comfortable with me more quickly too. And it will certainly be more sustainable as we wait for our family tree to grow.
Related links
Bringing older kids home: how it feels
How tradition fosters attachment
(Photo credit: Mary Owlhaven)
That was beautiful to read, it made me cry…
Same here, Mary. You write about the exact stuff I am going through again here. Dora has much grief, much anger, much in the way of trust issues… it will take time to build this relationship.
It is SO good to know I am not alone. This is just what I needed today.
Beautiful picture!
yes, sometimes the losses in our lives last a lifetime. especially, I think, for a child. That does not mean a child is “stuck” and cannot love anyone else. It just means the pain lingers and comes around from time to time. Children simply do not have the ability to comprehend death at all. Plus, euphamisms are used. The parent was “lost” or is now “gone.” No, the parent is dead. Then begins the long, long process of helping the child to understand what death is. and why that unfairness had to happen in their lives.
What a perfect picture. Her smile is captivating. I just love how you came to explain how the “Fruit of your tree is growing.” You are so right. One of my favorite sayings is “To get to the fruit of the tree, you’ve got to go out on a limb.” Your entire family is going “out on a limb” by incorporating all of the love and support and smiles, all of those little things that make up the fruit. What a beautiful tree you are growing.
Ahhhh! Thanks so MUCH for sharing, Mary!!!! It’s been a JOY to watch you go through this adoption with your girls! I’ve loved seeing what I feel is a new side of you! Keep sharing with us – it’s SO helpful!!!!
And that’s a BEAUTIFUL pic of you two!!!!
This is such a great post. I always need encouragement to just be myself, and I love here the honesty you’ve written about. Thanks for that.