Often when you are helping a new child settle into your family, you will encounter a lot of negativity. You say up. The kid says down. You suggest the red shirt. He prefers the green one-- the one with the hole in it. You remind the child he liked a dish last time you served it. He swears it is the worst poison known to man.

Eventually with consistent, steady consequences for misbehavior and lots of love, opposition does mellow out and kids do heal. However, at the height of the challenging behavior it can be extremely challenging to show smiling eyes and loving actions towards a child who is so obviously and incessantly veering towards conflict.

It can get so emotionally exhausting that you find yourself continually on the defensive, continually thinking of ways to avoid giving the child an opening to be negative or argumentative. There have been days when I’ve found myself so weary that when my kid asked me for a cookie I didn't even want to give it to him. Never mind that thirty seconds ago I was planning to offer the cookie myself. Never mind that I’d happily give that cookie to any of my other children.

Enduring that child’s nastiness left me reluctant to do the normal nurturing things that I did so effortlessly for my other children. I did usually summon the strength to smile, hand out that cookie, and give a hug besides. But on bad days I sometimes didn't want to.

If you’ve never dealt with extreme negativity from a kid, you may not even understand the emotion I am describing here. But for those of you - us - who have dealt with extremely challenging kids, I want to let you know you’re not alone.

The important thing is to realize WHY you are feeling so negative towards your child. In simple words, you’re being sucked dry. When you’re being inundated by negative vibes from a kid, it is hard, hard, hard to keep sending positive vibes his way. You’ve gotta do it. Along with plenty of structure and boundaries, positive strokes are essential to his healing.

But you have to do so with the understanding that right now this child is physically incapable of sending you the positive feedback that makes a relationship feel right - feedback that makes it easy to FEEL loving toward that child. That’s why the relationship feels strained right now.

During this time of testing, it is essential that you have positive vibes coming your way from some other person. Maybe that person is your spouse. Maybe it is a good friend or a parent. Often you can find great healing from interacting with your other emotionally healthy children.

If you can understand your own difficult feelings and keep your perspective during this challenging time, you'll find yourself more able to help your child wade thru his negative feelings and come out a kinder and happier kid on the other side.

Related links
Early months: the hard stuff
Bonding with older children
The power of humor

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