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Nancy wrote a thoughtful post over on the Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog yesterday.
I think sometimes adoptive parents are afraid to see that their kids might have issues. Maybe they see attachment disorder as a forever diagnosis rather than something that often can be worked through IF we are willing to face up to it and do the tough work. I know it took me awhile to see the truth with one of mine.
This child, who arrived home at 20 months, had definite issues that thankfully now we have overcome. It took me a good 3 months to face up to what was going on in the attachment department, even though I was well-read and am a careful, in-touch, attachment-parenting kind of mom. Then it took a good (long!) year of intense attachment parenting to help this child get well attached. (I’ll write more about how we handled it later.)
Another child, home at the same age, attached effortlessly, despite having been in an orphanage for a year.But with the experience from the other child, I was VERY focused on excellent, high-quality attachment parenting with the second one. No babysitters for over a year, cosleeping, lots of carrying, bottle-feeding(yes, even though the child was 2!), lots of one-on-one playing, etc.
However, this one who attached effortlessly is now asking lots of birthmom questions, really hashing it over out loud. There are feelings of loss there, definitely. But in my mind the questions are easier to deal with than a lack of attachment, or even a child who is questioning inside his own mind but is not brave enough or forthcoming enough to share his concerns with mom.
Adoption emphatically involves loss for the child. Some kids will have big issues to work through. Others will attach/ adjust well without having obvious trouble. But we do our children a service by looking the loss issues square in the face and being poised to help them through it when and if the need arises.
I was slow to figure this out too, but once I learned about attachment, SO much made sense to me! I’ve written about Hannah and her *decision* to attach to me. She, too, has many birthmom questions. She approaches it in such a healthy, normal way–it is SO refreshing. Then there is my 18 year old who decided her approach would be to shut down when she arrived home at age 21 months. She didn’t want to FEEL her pain, so she shut it off–trouble is, she shut ALL her feelings off. Then it became a way of life. Our kids that can openly discuss their losses, and do so with and in the presence of supportive parents, are so much ahead of the game.
Thanks for sharing this post. I look forward to learning more about this difficult and important subject.