Many adoptive families at some point consider bringing a child into a family that is the same age as a child already in the family. In adoption circles this is called artificial twinning. Some adoption agencies feel comfortable with it, and some do not.

We adopted two boys who are 2-1/2 months apart in age. The second boy came home (at 20 mo) when the first was almost 23 months and had been home 1-1/2 years. The decision was not one made lightly. We entered into it with lots of thought and prayer, and also with a certainty that this second child was meant to be in our family.

However that year after the second one came home was one of the hardest years of my life. We had 4 bio kids too, the youngest of whom was 5 at the time, so that made a total of 6 kids ages 12 and under. The second boy did have some attachment issues that first year, which we have now overcome, but which were a big issue that first year.

My hardest moment were when they would both want to be carried around on my hip, but my arms were too tired to carry them both. So I would sometimes choose to carry neither. Oh, the guilt!

I have wondered if having two teeny ones at a time played into his attachment issues. I am not sure. I tried very hard --- and I think I succeeded-- at providing the kind of nurturing the books recommend to get kids settled in well. Rocking, carrying, co-sleeping, bottle-feedings, attachment parenting.

They each got individual cuddles too. But paying attention to one provoked such jealousy in the other boy! It was really intense. Honestly, I felt SOO
challenged that year-- and I was a fairly experienced, and very well-read mom.

I thought I was prepared for the challenge, but I just did not understand HOW tough it was going to be. We got through it. There WERE times of joy. I know they were both meant to be ours and they are great little boys. But that first year was a HUGE struggle.

The decision to ‘twin’ is one that each family must make individually, with input from their agency. Personally, I think that our family would not do it again. In my mind, it is just easier to forge a good bond when you do not have two the very same age fighting for the same affection.

But that doesn't mean it should never be done. I know quite a few families with same-age kids for whom it has worked beautifully. And truth be told, it IS working for us too, especially once we got through that first year home.

I’ll share in another post some ways to help the first months go more smoothly.