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My agency’s yahoo group is a tremendous source of support for adoptive families. The families are candid about the challenges they’ve faced with their children, and generous with advice and encouragement for new families overwhelmed by similar problems.
Often the group goes for weeks with only encouraging stories to share. But every few months there’s discussion over a child who is really running mom and dad through the wringer. People have shared stories of babies who wake up every 40 minutes all night, preschoolers who tantrum 14 times a day, and school age kids who melt down, refuse to say a civil word to mom and ride away on their bikes to be gone for hours.
When stories turn negative, folks get stressed. It can be scary to contemplate bringing home a child if all you can imagine is the negative stuff he or she will do. This past week or so, I’ve been that trembling parent at times, analyzing the scary stories about older kids with a kind of fascinated, can’t-look-away intensity.
I stare at our daughters’ welcome bag photo, thinking how grown up they look, and trying to get a clue into their personalities from that single snapshot.
I’ve been trying to tell myself that our situation will be different/ easier/ less stressful because our kids were with their birth mom till last year or because our family is used to commotion or because we’ve already raised teens or because we have experience dealing with strong-willed kids. Or whatever.
Of course deep down inside I know there’s no such guarantee. Three months from now I may be the bleary-eyed mom pulling out my hair and wondering what I’ve done to my family. But for now, for sanity’s sake, I’m finding myself protecting my peace of mind jealously.
I’m praying that we won’t have the toughest scenarios. I’m reminding myself about how strongly we were led to go forward with this adoption, and how many doors had to open to make this work out. I’m consciously imagining the good moments I hope we’ll have, cooking together and braiding hair, and watching them at Friday night soccer with their siblings.
I think it takes a certain crazy optimism – a faith – to go forward with adoption, especially when it comes to older kids. Otherwise we’d all be too paralyzed with fear to ever do it. I think it is good to face that fact that there probably will be tough times. But when that fear does get to us, we are ever so glad for the other parents who come alongside and say, you know what? My daughter’s doing great. My kids are a joy. The challenge we faced in the beginning was oh, so worth it.
Additional Links:
Ways to support an adoptive family
Gathering your support system
When relatives aren’t supportive
I’m having those panic attacks right now! I worry about everything! I’m worried about attachment, sleep, feedings, and just getting her home! It really helps to talk to other people going through the same things.
p.s. I still don’t have our welcome bag picture!!!
I actually FAILED to have the usual anxiety when we adopted our sib group of 4. I figured we had seen the worst and best case scenarios in the previous six kids. I also assumed snce they had only been in the care center for a short time and had been with their family for the majority of their life, that it would be easier. It wasn’t! However, I have to say, that despite some of their continued issues (pretty minor now), they are the most INCREDIBLE kids, whom I absolutely adore!! Your girls may or may not settle in right away. Either way, it will make you a stronger person and a better mom. No doubt, within time, it will feel as if they have been with you forever!
Sharon
I love that, crazy optimism! Our boys were 16 months old when we got them, and had been in orphanages since they were 1.5 months old. That means that they were institutionalized for 14.5 months, extremely critical months in terms of development! But God has protected them and they show no major attachment problems. I often worried about it but am starting to worry less. God is good and faithful!