In the months since I began blogging, I have read a lot of blogs. From time to time I will go on a kick where I read a bunch of blogs written by adoptees, and then for awhile I don't. Adoptee blogs, you see, bring a lot of emotion and angst to the surface for me.

I am so deeply invested in my children that it is very hard to read aboout adoptees struggling to process their past. There's a lot of pain out there. Anger. Resentment. Sadness.

When I imagine my children questioning and dealing with such intense emotions about adoption sometime down the road, it is deeply unsettling to me. I don't want my children to feel stolen or robbed. I long for them to be content. To believe deep in their hearts that a challenging situation was redeemed, and a good outcome came from it.

But here's what I realized during my most recent foray into adoptee blogs this weekend. We adoptive parents NEED to read some of this tough stuff. Some of it is pure vitriol, more personally than I can stomach.

But there are some real treasures of adoptee blogs out there. Thoughtful and articulate and powerful. Not sugar coated. But real. A favorite of mine is Ji-In's blog Twice the Rice. She wrestles the issues and talks honestly and unapologetically.

Because whether adoptive families want to face it or not, adoption IS about loss. To go your whole life seeking out your own mother's face in crowds of strangers, as Ben Hoyle shares. To lose the country of your birth and never be able to return as a native, never feel like someone who belongs. It is loss. Profound and painful.

I think that is what makes the adoptee blogs so hard for me. The reminder that my children have lost, as well as gained. The family that they have gained, no matter how loving, does not cancel out the one they have lost. Nor should it. Both facets of their lives are real, and both should be acknowledged.

Harlow Monkey explains some of the dichotomy, the impossiblity of labeling adoptees either good or bad, angry or happy. Outside In also talks about this complexity of emotion.

I would encourage you, as an informed adoptive parent to do some reading. Gain some insight into some of the things that adult adoptees find to be most painful about their pasts. Some of it may resonate with you, some not.

But just knowing the range of emotion that is out there will help us, I hope. Help us be quicker to listen to our children, more sensitive to the questions, more willing to face the pain and not constantly try to sweep it under the rug.

Hopefully as we demonstrate courage in facing these issues, we can help our children be brave, be self-aware, be accepting of the dichotomy that is adoption. And find their way to happiness. Because good stuff AND bad stuff happens in every life. It's how you react that makes the difference.