Are you going to die?

Many children adopted past infancy fear that their new parents will get sick and die. The first time I got sick after my then-2 year old came home, she was deeply worried. She kept trying to make me sit up and get up off the couch. My illness was obviously bringing back some terrible memories. I know almost nothing about her past, but her behavior convinced me that her birth mom had been ill.

Recently there was a good discussion about this on our agency’s parent e-group, and several moms graciously agreed to let me share their comments here.

Gigi shares this story about her children:

My kids age 6 & 4 have the most macabre, fatalistic onversation I could imagine for kids these ages. Always wondering how old will we be when we die, how old will they be when they die, who will take care of them when we die “Will we get another new family?” etc.

[However] it does make us laugh sometimes. Yesterday, this:

We are learning to read the “question words” eg when , where, what, who, etc. So I show them the word “when” and they read it correctly, “Good, can you use that in a sentence?”

“When are you going to die?”

OK, that’s a good sentence….

Parents struggle with how to soothe their children’s fears about this topic. Most of us in America probably will live to see our children grow up, Lord-willing. But we know there aren’t guarantees. And so there is a throat-clutching hesitation to promise our children we’ll be around until they don’t need us.

The only thing worse than actually dying before they grow up would be leaving them feeling betrayed because we promised we would live and didn’t. So how does a parent reassure a child while still being truthful and not making promises that could be broken?

Carmen shares how she and her husband handled it with their son who came home at age 11.

The first few months Tamrat was home, we had several conversations about what would happen if Kevin and I die. We showed him how it is written in our will that all four kids will go to one of my sisters and brother-in-law. His response, “well, what if Aunt Michelle and Uncle Brian die?”

We’d then move on through all our family members on both sides who we’d be comfortable raising our kids, then on to
friends, and on and on and on – all the time stressing that all four kids would stay together. His response was always, “well, what if so-and-so dies?”

We’d finally stop and count how many people we’d gone through and talk about the likelihood of all those people dying before he’s all grown up. He’d usually end up laughing at the ludicrousness of it. But, it took quite a few of these conversations before he finally seemed confident that he’s never going back to another orphange, and he and his siblings are going to be well cared for.

Many parents with worried kids have used the approach that Carmen mentioned. Ethiopian kids who’ve watched adults die all around them are going to need an unusual amount of reassurance, and possibly more actual information than we might think of offering our children who were born in the US. The important thing is to try and meet our children’s needs, wherever they are in the questioning process.

Finally, Chris, the mother of 13 including many Ethiopian children, has this story to share about her son Mitiku who arrived around age 12.

Mitiku has worried for 2 years about how long his dad and I will be around. We are older parents, but gee whiz, we’re in pretty good shape! However, I recently made him one happy boy. I had just had lab work done for a new insurance policy so had all my ‘levels’ at my fingertips.

I completed a longevity calculator online and discovered that I will live to be 102.

Mitiku is thrilled!

After all, everyone knows that computers don’t lie, so scratch that worry!

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