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Recently I blogged about grief, and the importance of talking with our kids about adoption-related issues. I just recently had a conversation with my daughter that again pointed out the surprising things that can be perking around in the head of even the most well-adjusted child.
The other evening I went in the bedroom to tuck my 5 year old into bed. She was sitting up in bed, tucking her dolls into the space next to her.
“This one is the mom of these ones,” she said, pointing to her lone white dolly tucked in next to two brown ones.
“Hmm,” I said. “How did they get a white mom?”
“Well, they were in Ethiopia and they were being bad, and so their mom let somebody else take them.”
“Oh, do you think their mom gave them to another mom because they were being bad?”
“Yeah, they were being rowdy and she got tired and gave them to this mom.”
“Hmm…. How did they feel about that?”
“They felt sad, because they liked their mom and they wanted to stay with her.”
“Oh, I bet they were sad.”
“Yeah — they didn’t even get to say goodbye.”
At that point I was able to gently talk with her about her first mom, and reassure her that she hadn’t been relinquished for being bad. I’d read that adopted kids will often wonder if they were relinquished for something they’d done. But until that point I hadn’t realized that my happy little five year old had been thinking along those lines.
It is so important for us as adoptive parents to face that there might be stuff perking around in our kids’ heads — stuff they might never mention unless we make an opening. Stuff that they might be lying awake at night thinking about. Stuff that we can help them through if only they will tell us.
It’s a tricky balance. I’m not suggesting we turn every conversation around to a sad talk about loss and what might have been. But we as adoptive parents want so much for our children to be happy that it can be tempting to let things just lie — especially in the case of a child like my daughter, who seems so happy outwardly. We need to face that tendency in ourselves and be aware of the gag it may unintentionally place on our children.
In the end it can only strengthen the relationship to demonstrate to our kids that we’re strong enough and willing to deal with even the sad stuff going on in their heads. The conversation with my daughter ended with a few minutes of rocking chair time and a really good talk. I’m not assuming the issue is gone forever. But I was able to relieve her mind and reassure her at this point. I’m very glad I took the opening she provided and found out a little more about what was on her mind.
Wow, great example. Do you have any idea of any specific way she got that idea? (I’m guessing not, but you never know.)
Speaking of picking up bad ideas, I was recently saddened when it occured to me that I may not want to share one of my favorite video series with my adopted daughter when she’s older. The Disney-produced Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea are so sweet and charming, but I totally forgot that it starts with all of the negative ideas about orphans in that era. They are taken in solely because the families need help with work, and then the horror stories about how they can be such trouble and of course the one who “put strichnine in the well” and killed the whole family. Of course, Anne overcomes all of that and is the heroine and darling of everyone’s heart, but you just don’t know where those other ideas might lodge in the heart of my daughter, even with explanations and assurances. Would you agree?
Hi Marian,
I think she just came up with the idea herself…and I agree with you about the Anne series. I’ve been sad to realize since our daughters came home that so few of the books from my childhood have strong or admirable AA characters.
Mary
You are so wise Mary– Thank you for sharing your journey. I can only hope and pray that I will have the correct words for those open window moments.