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If you’ve read a few books about adoption, you may have heard of the phenomenon called the honeymoon. The term refers to the time right after a your child comes home, when things are going so smoothly that you feel practically euphoric. Finally you have your child in your arms. The waiting is done. Now you can get on with your life.
The child’s behavior contributes greatly to the feeling of honeymoon also. Often a newly arrived older child will have a time on his best behavior. Whatever mom and dad say is fine. The new toys are great. Siblings are wonderful. He even may eat food in the first days that you later learn he dislikes– all in an effort to be endearing to you.
The length of the honeymoon varies. Some families experience only a day or two of compliant behavior before the child begins testing the limits. Other children remain on their best behavior for 6 months or more before exhibiting challenging behavior. Still others are mellow from the start and never deviate from that path, leaving parents wondering when the challenges will come. (Note: if your child remains mellow after the year home, stop worrying. Most likely this is the real kid you’re seeing.)
However, the majority of children adopted past toddler age will have a time of ‘testing the fences’. This testing often begins 2-4 weeks after homecoming, once the initial newness wears off and reality sets in, and can last for months.
This time of testing can be very difficult for both the parent and the child. In the early days when the child was cooperative, it was easy to present a smiling face to the child. But once the testing begins, it can be incessant.
Children may wonder why their mom was so cheery at first and now seems to have morphed into a drill sargeant. Often even if the parent is successful at showing a smiling face to the child, he or she will be struggling inside over the low-level, but constant irritation he or she is feeling towards the child.
This is a very normal stage of adopting older children, but it can exhausting. The negative behavior (and accompanying negative parental emotions) will diminish in time, usually by the time the child has been home 6 months or so. However, it can be a very stressful time for the family. In a future post I’ll share some ideas for coping with a child’s negative behaviors, and infusing some positive vibes into tough situations.
Related links
The first six monthsRules for new arrivals
Did someone invent this just to be contrary? All I know is, it’s a major life adjustment bringing a new child home. Rather than feeling like your on a honeymoon you wonder how long until I figure this out (and get a nap)! To be frank it takes a time to develop love for your child, as it takes time to love any person.