An issue that adoptive families often face when their children begin school is the dreaded family tree project. Typically a school will send home a request for family information so that each child can construct his or her own genealogy, or family tree.

When a child has been adopted domestically and knows or has contact with some of his birth family, many families choose to add the known birth family into the family tree, right along with the adoptive parents.

Many parents of internationally adopted children, however, know nothing about the child's birth family, and can be filled with angst over this assignment, especially if the assignment raises questions in the child's mind.

I will always remember a comment on this topic, made by an Internet friend of mine who is both a Korean adoptee and an adoptive mother. She felt that even though she did not know her birth family, she DID have a genealogy-- that of her adopted family. She told me that she loved hearing stories about the things her grandmother did as a girl, or the way her grandfather was a book fanatic just like she is.

I realize that not all adopted children are as content with the lack of information about their birth family. But the obvious peace evidence by this particular friend of mine was very encouraging to me. There's nothing wrong with being curious and wishing you knew more - I am certain that if I were adopted, I would be the curious type. But not ALL kids are full of longing.

I think that we as adoptive parents need to be sensitive to our own children's particular inclinations. If we assume they will be full of angst and longing and continually talk along those lines, we may be encouraging a level of angst that they might not naturally possess. However, we also need to raise them in an atmosphere of acceptance if they DO have lots of questions. They need to feel our support and our understanding if they ARE curious and/or sad over the lack of information.

Both ends of the spectrum are possible and normal. In fact, it is common for kids to go through phases, sometimes being very curious, and sometimes being content with what they do have. The more we can accept and support our children wherever they are on the continuum, the more easily they will navigate the challenges of adoption.

And that family tree project? Let your child's feelings be paramount. He may prefer for his project to simply include the family currently in his life. Or he may want to include everyone, even the ones he is only guessing about. The most inportant thing is that you listen and support him, however he chooses to handle it.



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