Comments on: Adopted babies and working moms

By: loving4!

loving4! — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 01:37:31 +0000

Can anyone tell me what the appointment at the US Embassy in Ethiopia is like?

By: solvay

solvay — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 16:15:57 +0000

Is there a minimal amount of maternity leave a corporation has to give to parents? Isn’t there a newer law regarding extended maternity leave? Does anyone know anything regarding this?

By: John

John — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 21:58:36 +0000

Multi, you are right about the importance of the child getting what they need from their primary care giver. What torqued me was the bit about Dad being there and involved ans still seen as a junior adjunct to Mom, at best. Of course we write from our own experiences, it is nice though if we can try to avoid sterotypes. John

By: multi-taskingmom

multi-taskingmom — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 20:51:14 +0000

I don’t think any of us said or even thought that Dads are inept or TV Dads. My DH happens to be a great and involved Dad. But when push comes to shove, it’s me the kids turn to for comfort and I think that is where a lot of us are coming from. Just writing from experience and what is our life norm. Doesn’t mean it’s the norm for everyone. BUT I think that many (most) of us (at least me) write from what we know. It may not always be right or PC, but it is as it is. I don’t think anyone means to put anyone on the spot or cause offense to anyone.

What is important is that our children get what they need from their primary caregiver be it their mother or father.

By: John

John — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 19:12:40 +0000

Your point on the attacment to the primary caregiver is right on Mary. Works the same with older kids coming home from foster care with big attachment issues. It really isn’t so rare that the primary parent is a Dad, . The focus seems to be that Moms are really the ‘normal’ primary caregivers, so the thrust of much of adoptionblogs is talking to Moms. Yes, that is offensive to Dads who also walk the walk. Dad may not be the primary caregiver in your home, so be it, but please don’t assume that that is routinely the norm. Your sentence “I think an involved and present Dad can do much to can do much to help the child adjust to the MOMs return to work.” Emphasis is mine, even with an involved Dad the assumption is still the inept TV Dad, can we please move beyond that? John

By: Mary Owlhaven

Mary Owlhaven — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 16:19:57 +0000

My intent is not to lambast or guilt anyone. My focus is on the child’s needs. A newly arrived adopted child has more complex needs because of the loss he or she experienced previously. I think that an involved present dad can do much to help a child adjust to mom’s return to work. In fact, sometimes a child may consider dad as his/her primary caregiver. Awesome if that is what works for your family. I worked part time for a decade, my husband and I on opposite shifts so that the vast majority of the time the kids had a parent home.

Different solutions may be right for different families. But think about the person your child turns to when he is badly hurt or very tired. To maximize a solid attachment, that is the person who ideally should be available to him most of the time in the first few months at home.`

By: cdjohnst

cdjohnst — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 14:29:28 +0000

Oops,I meant with OUR children,not without children. Sorry for the typoin my comment.

By: cdjohnst

cdjohnst — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 14:26:09 +0000

I’m just curious why this article seems directed at working moms, rather than working parents in general. I am the primary income earner in my family and, though I was fortunate enough to be able to take four months off, get really annoyed when it is assumed that the mother in a two-parent family is the person who must feel guilty and gets all the blame for going back to work soon after adoption. My husband and I both took time off, because we both wanted the time to sepnd with our daughter. I think it’s high time that in American society we stop putting this guilt on moms alone and maybe start encouraging both parents to take responsibility for taking time to spend with out children and ensuring attachment happens well.

By: multi-taskingmom

multi-taskingmom — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 12:12:21 +0000

I so agree Mary!! Everything we do especially in those early days, weeks and months is an investment in our children’s emotional future. I am so thankful that I am a stay-at-home mom and didn’t have to struggle with whether to go back to work or not.

As I mentioned before, a month of cocooning worked really well for our family. Holding, wearing, sleeping with your child if they want/need it; all of these things are so important.

A lot of people who just didn’t understand thought I was spoiling our children with all the attention and dashing to them at every peep. But this is all so necessary. Besides it’s a two way street – after you’ve waited so long to get your hands on that precious child who wants to put them down? And what better feeling than to pick up a fussing toddler and feel them relax into you as they bury their face in you neck.

By: Blaine1975

Blaine1975 — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 09:51:14 +0000

I could not agree with you more, Mary!! Our daughter (7 months when we first met) was certainly agreeable during the first few days, but she struggled mightily with longterm attachment. Her sleeping habits were erratic for over a year, she freaked out if a stranger (even the friendly variety) talked to her or looked at her too long, and she would have nothing to do with us leaving her with anyone (even when her 4 older siblings, that she was very well attached to, were with her). If I was not a stay-at-home Mom already, I would have moved heaven and earth to find a way to be with my fragile new daughter.

On the bright side; she is seriously coming into her own. She is 2 1/2 now, and is comfortable in most situations. She loves her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. There was a day that we all wondered if that would ever happen. She just stayed for two nights with my parents (and her 4 siblings) while my husband and I went away, and had no issues at all. It might have taken a while to get here, but the results are well worth the effort we put in.

Keep fighting for the cause of attachment, my friend!!