Awhile back a mom was agonizing over her decision to return to work when her newly arrived 6 month old had been home just 4 weeks. Would her baby be able to attach to her in just 4 weeks? How would her absence 8 hours a day affect him?

I think she is smart to be asking these questions. Babies who have been home only four weeks are highly unlikely to have already formed a secure attachment to their parents. They may be beginning to get attached. But a primary caregiver's return to full-time work at this point is likely to seriously slow the attachment process.

I know that some women simply MUST go back to work. But if there is the slightest wiggle-room in your work/ maternity leave situation, I always would opt for the longer parental leave. I would take out a loan if necessary to buy myself another month or two at home. People buy couches and TV's on credit, after all. Why not be equally willing to invest in your child's emotional well-being?

Kids from orphanages have already had a less-than optimal start at life. They’ve already lost their birthmom. Already spent months in an orphanage. Now they’ve switched to a new caregiver-- you-- and are trying to decide if you are going to be any more permanent than their other caregivers. They don’t need you to be sometimes here/sometimes not, especially not this early in the game.

Some children will thrive with a primary caregiver who works part time within a few months of homecoming, especially if the substitute caregiver gives excellent quality, one-on-one attachment-style care. In fact, if that secondary caregiver can be the other parent, in the child's own home, that could be a great way to give continuity.

But keep in mind that some kids will struggle with attachment even under optimal circumstances. There is NO WAY to know which kind of kid you will get, even after a few weeks home. Some babies do not show any signs of attachment difficulty til they have been home 4 months.

I personally would always err on the side of caution. Be away from your child as little as possible during the first 6-9 months home. The longer the better.

I know this information is disheartening to many working moms. I also know that there are plenty of infants who did fine with parents who worked full time. If your family had such success, wonderful. You were fortunate. But not every family is that fortunate.

I would move heaven and earth to stay home a few weeks or a few months longer. I would sell a car, cancel my cable subscription, move to a smaller house, skip my vacation this year, stop eating out, quit buying new clothes, or take out a home-equity loan.

A child's relationship to his parents is THE most important relationship of his entire childhood. The stronger you make that foundation in the early months home, the healthier your child will be in the long run, and the more enjoyable the relationship will be for you for years to come.

More about attachment
Jump-starting attachment
Is bonding happening?
Pushing past rejection

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