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Over a decade of being an adoptive mom, I’ve had lots of people ask how our older biological children have felt as we have brought each of our new children home. Our first adopted child came to us when our big kids were 10, 8, 6, and 4 years old. We were really excited about moving forward with adopting, and our excitement was contagious. Our kids laughed in delight right along with me when we tore open our referral packet and saw their new brother’s face for the first time.
Each new child has come into our family to a similar welcome. In general our other children’s adjustment to our newest children has also been favorable. One of our new Ethiopian daughters is just the age of our two Korean sons, which means we currently have three 9 year olds in the house. The three of them can often be found coming up with some scheme, whether it be raiding my linen closet for sheets with which to make a fort, or begging me to take them to Walmart for white t-shirts and black fabric so they can all be Ninjas for Halloween.
Probably the hardest thing for the older kids (19,17, 15, 13) with this recent adoption has been their frustration when the newest kids are giving me grief. Even though they were prepared for the fact that there would be bumps as the new children settled into our family, their loyalties are definitely with me. When one of the new kids gives me trouble and disrupts our daily routine, it doesn’t please them. And sometimes they let the new kids know it.
Occasionally that disapproval makes for a bump or two in their relationship with the new kids. The new kids have a lot of admiration for the teenagers, and they feel hurt at the big kids’ disapproval. Like any kids, the big kids are not always tactful in expressing their unhappiness over bad behavior. But in the long run I am hoping that this peer pressure towards good behavior will help coax the new kids to follow the big kids’ good example.
We do encourage the older ones to be gentle to the younger ones, and let them gripe privately to us when they need to. But overall they do well with the new arrivals. They even contribute their viewpoint and ideas to late-night parental brainstorm sessions after the younger ones have gone to bed. Often one of them will have an insight that supports an idea that John and I are hashing out, or they’ll think of something that we haven’t considered. They are also great about pitching in and helping with the little ones when I am occupied with a melt-down from an older child. So that has been a real blessing.
I’m sure the kids have moments when they wonder what it might have been like to live in a smaller family. But looking at the way that they are growing up, I think their less-than-conventional family is serving them well.
Just today I walked into Walmart with 8 kids. An elderly lady stopped me to ask if they were all mine. I said yes, and she said that she was touched to see the way my 13 and 15 year old sons had walked into the store from the parking lot holding the hands of their 2 and 5 year old little sisters.
Don’t get me wrong– they’re normal teenaged boys who love video games and action movies, and hanging out with friends. But growing up in our family has added another dimension to their lives too, one that I hope will make them better husbands and fathers in the future.
We are blessed to have each other.
Photo Credit: Mary Owlhaven
A wonderful blog!