Grief/Loss

A very good friend sent me an article she found in a recent magazine. It was the story of a family that adopted three boys from Ethiopia. It was a very intense piece of written work. It was quite difficult to read because of issues that the family and their children went through. Two of the boys were adopted at older ages and carried with them the baggage of watching their parents die, taking care of younger children, and overwhelming poverty. Those are issues that do not leave a child when they step off an airplane into a new country and family. All of the stress and change brought distrust and anger to the surface. The new family struggled. They didn't understand. They got… [more]

In my early morning reading of emails, I noticed the following article from the BBC: UN 'runs out of aid for Ethiopia'. The article mentions several reasons why this is happening and also points out how things could be made easier. I will not go into the details since the article is an easy read, and I do recommend that you read it. After seeing this email I jumped over to the World Food Programme page and found some really educating (but not boring) information about the horn of Africa and why exactly things are so hard for them right now. Again, I stress that this is a good thing to watch if you have a child from this… [more]

The other day when my husband and I were preparing to head off on our get-away, our new kids were noticeably antsy. First of all, they didn’t seem familiar with the idea of parents taking off and doing something alone. We have gone on three or four dates since they got home. But this overnight thing was puzzling to them, and despite their excitement over a planned sleepover at Grandma's, they were also concerned. Our teenaged daughter tried to help us reassure them that we'd be home soon and that they’d be fine in the meantime. She reminded them that we’d been away from the rest of the kids for more than a week when we went to Ethiopia to… [more]

I got an e-mail from a mom who had the good fortune of meeting some of her baby's extended family while in Ethiopia. She was grateful for the opportunity but came away from the meeting confused. The info that the agency had initially shared about her child didn't jive with what the extended family was saying. Her biggest question surrounded the children in the family. Were they actually siblings to her child? Or cousins? She wrote me because she was concerned about how to handle this unclear information as her child grew. She wants to be able to tell her child the truth about his past, especially when it comes to whether or not he has siblings. But that's… [more]

A couple weeks ago my 5 year old ran to me crying, saying the bigger kids were teasing her. She was crying too much for me to sort out what had happened, so I called the kids in to figure it out. It seems that, inspired by listening to stories her new big sisters told about their Ethiopian mom, she'd been telling some stories about her own life in Ethiopia. The problem is she left Ethiopia at age 20 months. The kids told her that she couldn't possibly really remember the things she was 'remembering' about her first mom. After listening to everyone, I concluded that the four kids involved (all adopted) weren't truly trying to be unkind-- they just wanted her to tell the truth. "Do… [more]

One of the challenges of parenting kids who have experienced loss in their lives is that sometimes they can have over-the-top reactions to perceived loss. Something as minor as getting a smaller piece of cake than a sibling can send them into paroxysms of misery. Now, I’ve got enough kids to realize that most kids will complain about that type of thing. But an over-reactor does this to an extreme, and at an older age than is typical for an untraumatized child. He/she may be truly devastated when something like this happens, and his devastation may last for hours. This type of behavior can drive even a patient parent to the brink some days. I have found that it helps tremendously to have a… [more]

Before I ever knew we would not always be adopting babies-- actually, before I knew we would even adopt at all -- I began a photo wall to display pictures of our babies. It climbs the staircase from our living room to the upstairs bedrooms. The wall features two pictures of each child, one a baby picture and the other a recent photo. After we had four children by birth, we began adopting babies. Our oldest two adopted babies were 20 months on homecoming. I was thrilled to realize that the tradition would still work. Because I'd chosen to feature a toddler photo instead of a newborn one, their pictures fit right in on the wall with the other kids. For years I've loved that lineup… [more]

I've been doing a lot of talking this week about grief and loss. I'm sure some folks are thinking this is overkill. I've been there. Especially when you're at the start of the adoption process, it can be overwhelming to read about the issues that adoptees might face. We want our kids to be happy, and we want adoption just to be another great way to build a family. I think y'all know by now that I am a passionate advocate for adoption. As I mother both the children who were born to me and the children whom I was blessed to be able to adopt, I can say without reservation that the adopted children are just as gratifying to parent, and that I… [more]

Recently I blogged about grief, and the importance of talking with our kids about adoption-related issues. I just recently had a conversation with my daughter that again pointed out the surprising things that can be perking around in the head of even the most well-adjusted child. The other evening I went in the bedroom to tuck my 5 year old into bed. She was sitting up in bed, tucking her dolls into the space next to her. “This one is the mom of these ones,” she said, pointing to her lone white dolly tucked in next to two brown ones. “Hmm,” I said. “How did they get a white mom?” “Well, they were in Ethiopia and they were being bad, and so their mom let somebody else take them.” “Oh… [more]

I wrote earlier about adoptees and the possibility for lifelong grief issues. There may be a lull of 6 months or a year where they don't ask any questions or mention their birth family. Then they may think about it lots for several months, and ask lots of questions. But not all children ask questions spontaneously. Be aware of your own feelings. Often I hear parents say that their kids aren't interested in talking about birth family or their feelings about being adopted. For some children that may actually be true. But many children will be relieved if parents open doors by asking questions and making it clear that it is okay to talk and question and share sadness. Adoptive parents can be unwilling to broach the subject… [more]